Fun With Play-Dough

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

Song Bush was humming after his speech today: “It’s my White House and I’ll lie if I want to”. Seriously, what are the speechwriters thinking? Oh, we’re in Israel, Israel means Jews, and Jews shit their pants when you invoke Hitler’s name?

As a matter of fact, we don’t. George must not have heard about Telushkin’s 614^th commandment: “Thou shalt not grant Hitler any posthumous victories”. That includes not letting anyone bully us into turning our backs on Obama. What, did you think we’d roll over and play ball when faced with your stupid propaganda? Besides, if the Nazis had had their way, there would not be anybody like Obama on the planet.

Thanks; Bush, for trying to score a victory over the backs of six million victims. Asshole. But we’re not falling for it.  As if we needed any additional reminders that George Bush is the biggest wanker to ever have walked the capitol. If I were McCain, I’d place a phone call to George and tell him to shut up. On second thought: keep it up. We can use an easy victory in November. Then we can pull the troops out of Iraq and use the money for all the collective therapy we’ll need to forget about the past eight damn years.

Say it loud and say it proud: Jews for Obama! 

God, I love scandals; and Rep. Vito Fossella’s is a great one: After getting pulled over for driving drunk, he had to admit he was on his way to see his “second family.”  His mistress, with whom he has a love child (isn’t that an awesome expression), is a retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel by the name of Laura Fay. His statement (answering questions about my political future is the furthest from my mind) aside, Fossella was forced to resign anyway. He cried like a baby while doing so, because, of course, he’s feeling “very, very bad” about everything that happened.

Sure you do, you dipshit. It always sucks when you get caught, doesn’t it?

The funny part about all this is the discussion immediately after the arrest; apparently, opinions differed about whether he should resign or not. The Republican Party isn’t keen on a special election, for fear they’ll lose (you think?) and some would have preferred Fossella serve out his term until November. Okay, granted; the Republicans would like to buy some time, I can understand that. But honestly, people: driving drunk, having an affair that has lasted for years, having a child with the mistress, really, there’s only so much dirt you can sweep under the mat before the bulge starts showing.

Back to the old questions: why do so many politicians think they can get away with it? And when will we finally see one that stands up on the podium and declares: “Hell, yes, I did it, and I’m not sorry. Can you blame me for having an affair? Have you seen my wife?”

What?! Who the hell is Bob Barr? Is he related to Roseanne Barr? And why does he deem it necessary to announce now, at the eleventh hour? And why does he wear those ugly glasses? And why would somebody who was so much in the forefront during the Clinton Impeachment now assist the Democratic Party by messing with McCain?

My husband thinks he’s just bitter because he likes neither McCain nor Obama, and we’re pretty much sure that it’s going to be Obama and not Hillary. However, I doubt that Barr has any fuzzy feelings for Hillary either; for that matter, he could have been a little speedier with his announcement. Still, this is puzzling. The man must realize there is absolutely no chance in hell he will come within flying distance of the presidency. If he thinks he’s got a chance, he needs a medication adjustment, as do those that support him financially.

Nader supporters can be forgiven because there’s a genuine passion involved in supporting him, and an idealism that doesn’t really hurt anyone. Barr supporters, however, need to have their heads examined. I suggest they send their money somewhere where it’s actually needed. Oklahoma, Georgia, Myanmar, you name it.

Did we almost forget there were Republican primaries as well yesterday? Seems like a massive waste of time and money, but okay; do what you must. Here are the results: McCain won. But wait, not everybody voted for him; in fact, the results are quite fascinating. McCain came away with 74% in North Carolina, and got 77% of the votes in Indiana. Respectable numbers, if he were actually running against someone. Huckabee got 12% in both states, while Romney got 5% in N.C. and 7% in Indiana. Even Ron Paul got a few X’s behind his name; it’s obvious that not all party members are happy with McCain’s slam-dunk. This could potentially become a problem for him in the fall; not so much because these people might vote for a Democrat, but they might decide to stay home. Or not; we can hope, can’t we?

Here is a story I don’t quite understand: two women in New Zealand were hospitalized after accidentally sipping dishwasher liquid. The liquid had been mistaken for mulled wine; the customer sipped and burned herself, after which an employee offered to test it; and here’s what I don’t get: wouldn’t you smell the difference before you sip? And if you don’t, why would the employee offer to taste it after the customer already burned her throat?

Another cute tidbit: 12-year-old David Withoft from Ridgefield, Con., has been wearing the same Packers’ jersey for four years; he recently stopped. Yes, his mother washed it regularly, but still. This is news? I guess David’s parents, by allowing this story to be in the news, have finally found the solution to an age-old problem: How do we stop our teenage son from dating?