Fun With Play-Dough

I think we can safely assume that Steve Kreuscher from Zion, Illinois, is a few sheep short of a flock. According to him, atheists everywhere are trying to remove the phrase “In God We Trust” from our currency. This he perceives as a big threat; as if anybody ever looks at those words when paying for something. Besides, if you want to be consistent, you really should petition to have it placed on credit cards, Steve.

But no; Kreuscher came up with something better: he’s petitioning to have his name officially changed to “In God We Trust”. How this will help his cause, I’m not sure; it does, however, bring up some interesting questions. Will it be his first name, or his last? Will he make any children he might have (god, let’s hope not) use the same name? How will he abbreviate it? Will it be one word, (Ingodwetrust Kreuscher), or will it be a phrase? And, most importantly, will this become a trend?

When put in historical context, Kreuscher’s behavior is neither odd, not original.

Kreuscher’s hometown of Zion deserves a closer look; John Alexander Dowie, who also founded the Christian Catholic Apostolic Church, founded it in 1901. All north-south roads are named after the Bible. Dowie, originally from Edinburgh, was an evangelist and a faith healer, who had a bit of trouble growing roots; only once he founded Zion, a city that was supposed to be free of all the evil that society produced, was he able to stay put. He amassed many followers, who all believed the earth was flat. Dowie’s life did not end happily, however; he was plagued by scandal, suffered from alcoholism, lost his mind, and died abandoned by friends and family in 1907. Ain’t life a bitch?

This gets prettier all the time. We were probably all wondering, after hearing about the FLDS compound, how many more of these idiots live amongst us. Here’s another one: Police in Albuquerque, New Mexico, paid a visit to the aptly named Lord of Our Righteousness Church, whose leader claims to be the Messiah. Three underage children were taken into custody; leader Wayne Bent a.k.a. Michael Travesser says God anointed him as the Messiah in 2000.

“He acknowledged having sex with three women - the wives of two of his followers and his daughter in law. He said it was at the direction of God and the instigation of the women. In a lengthy discussion dated Sept. 11, 2007, Bent said his work is finished and he does not expect to be “in the earthly sphere” much longer”. (Source: AP)

Ah, it was because God wanted it. Funny. That last part sounds like a goodbye note to me; somebody better put this man on suicide watch.

Meantime, 41 of the 464 FLDS children (all boys) that remain in custody show signs of multiple fractures. That answers the question of what they do to the kids they can’t marry off to middle aged guys. But, of course, nothing is going on; the FLDS members “just love their children and want them back”.

And people think we Jews are weird because we don’t eat pork. 

Many people are wondering why Rev. Wright doesn’t keep his mouth shut. He has decided to finally speak out, and he doesn’t know when to stop. Why is that? Oh, that’s right; Free Speech.

Of course, Reverend W. has forgotten the cardinal rule today: we only like Free Speech in theory. Whoever has the audacity to actually make use of that right, will be punished faster than you can say sorry Massa, did I forget my place?

Reverend W. makes people uncomfortable; the truth tends to do that. Especially if that truth comes from a black preacher and Civil Rights activist.

I think the question of why he chooses to speak now is insulting in and of itself. The real question is, why not? Let me rephrase that. Why the hell not? Because he hits the sore spot? Because he might be right? Because, if we are honest with ourselves, and try to really listen to what he has to say, we have to become part of the discussion? And maybe because listening to him makes it necessary for us to think?

Disagree with him if you feel like it; I know I do. Some of his statements have pissed me off, I can’t deny it. But disagreement is essential in a democracy.  Telling somebody to shut up is not.

Of course, there’s fall out for Obama. But if this is going to cost him the nomination, we are worse off than we thought. The point was brought up by one commentator that many voters will have lingering doubts as to whether Obama secretly agrees with Reverend Wright. That means Obama needs to cater to those voters that can’t think for themselves.

As a nation, we have some growing and maturing to do. I sincerely hope we can get to that one of these days. Meantime, I don’t think reverend Jeremiah Wright should talk less; I think he should talk more. And while he’s at it, he should call all his friends to do the same. 

You never know what ticks small children off. One minute you’re happily going through your day, the next you are faced with an angry, screaming child who claims it’s all your fault. Girls can get mad over anything, ranging from their clothes (“I didn’t want the white tights, I wanted the off-white tights!”) to being asked to do something unreasonable, like setting the table.

When boys get mad, it usually involves food. Needless to say, Passover hasn’t been easy on my son Mendel. We’re on day number seven, and he’s counting the minutes until tomorrow night, when he can be reunited with his beloved donuts. That’s okay; when you’re not yet four years old, you are allowed to love donuts more than religion.

Mendel’s current enemy is the Matzo. Imagine his glee when we ran out prematurely, went shopping, and found the entire city was without Matzos. Sold out, all over Omaha, except for one last box of chocolate covered egg Matzos, which, of course, we bought. Not that it counts; it’s about as close to the real thing as fruit loops are to a healthy breakfast. Luckily we ran into somebody smart enough to have ordered enough, and were offered a box full of real, handmade Matzos. Mendel was, of course, unimpressed, we could see it on his face: Darn it! Back to square one!

Holidays shouldn’t make you mad; it’s a lesson he will have an easier time learning during Hanukkah, when donuts are plenty and nothing is off limits. However, Passover is more important and longer, so there’s that. At some point in their young lives, children have to transition from viewing a holiday as an obnoxious obligation, to something that they can truly celebrate. How they make that transition, I’m not sure. My daughter did it almost without us noticing; it seemed that one day she woke up and got it. I’d like to take credit, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate; it’s probably her teachers that did most of the work.

Still, it’s not all bad; my son has given up asking for cookies every five minutes and has even started eating again. All it took was three overpriced packets of Lox and unlimited yoghurt tubes. That’s right, he’s lived off fish and yoghurt this week, and he survived. Whether Passover next year will be about more than merely ‘surviving’, we’ll have to wait and see. Regardless, the boy has eleven months and three weeks of pure bliss waiting for him in the bread aisle.

Now that Passover is in full swing, I am slowly coming to the realization that my son Mendel isn’t eating. Sure, if I smear chocolate paste on a matzo, he will lick it off, but that’s not eating, that’s manipulating.

Even foods that he normally likes get the cold shoulder; apparently he is seriously upset that there are no cookies or crackers in the house. For dinner tonight he eats half a dish of applesauce and two bites of chocolate pudding. I don’t even offer him the broccoli; what’s the use? He asks: “Why don’t I get broccoli?”

“Did you want some?” I ask him.

“No.” Then he throws an evil glance at his potatoes, and walks away.

I imagine that eventually he will get hungry, but, as a parent, I know better. Children can go extremely long without eating, especially if they have something to prove. Mendel’s points of protest: “I want cookies” and “Mommy sucks for not giving them to me.”

Our household does rely heavily on food with leavening in it, that much becomes obvious when I look at my fridge; it only has a third of the stuff it normally holds. While I am neurotically happy with such empty shelves, and come up with creative, Passover-friendly meals, my son isn’t having it. He wants his damn bagel and he wants it now. And by the way, where are the crackers? The Oreos? The donuts? And while we’re at it, why are there no cheerios, where is the old stand-by, the peanut butter sandwich?

My daughter Isabella meanwhile is flying through the holidays as if it’s a breeze. She knows what she can and cannot have, and doesn’t ask for forbidden food. She doesn’t complain, and she doesn’t act difficult; why can’t some of it rub off on him?

Of course, it is hard to be three and suddenly be denied your favorite snacks and meals. Besides, all the other holidays are easy; you’re too young to fast, and most holidays add foods instead of taking them away. And why is it that the cruelest of holidays has to be eight days long?

When I look at it like that, I suddenly feel very, very sorry for him. Maybe it’s time to go to the store and buy some of those ridiculously overpriced chocolate-covered matzos after all. If they haven’t been sold out by now to parents of angry Boychiks everywhere.