Fun With Play-Dough

They do make an adorable couple together; loving, happy, but with a fierce undertone that says: “don’t mess with us, McCain, ‘cause we’ll take a break from kissing to ram a mailbox up your ass.”  They could become one of those great couples that go down in history. Marc Anthony and Cleopatra. Joseph and Mary. Napoleon and Josephine. Bill O’Reilly and Omarosa.

Okay, that last one’s a rumor, but still.
They look great, they work well together; their past spats just underscoring their secret like for each other the way people in romance novels always seem to be fighting over everything until they come together in a whirlwind of passion on the final page. They could end up with a one-word-nickname, Obillary, Hilbama, splashed over the front page of every gossip magazine in town.

I know I will never be president; however, I find it’s always best to be prepared for everything, and just in case the impossible happens, I have made a list of things I’d like to do. That way, you know, I’d be ready. 

01.  In order to quote eighties movies, you are legally required to have actually been alive during the eighties. What do you mean, a President can’t just make shit up? Do the words “Leader of the Free World” mean anything to you?

02.  Fine anyone caught using the term “Little Old Me”. Use three-strike system for slamming repeat offenders in jail.

03.  Heavily tax Pro Lifers, to cover the cost of providing Depo-Provera shots to everybody under 20. This will not be optional. Abortions will go way down, so quit your whining; your abstinence programs suck.

04.  One car per family. Make it work.

05.  No fireworks before the actual July 4rth. That means you can’t set them off on the 24^th of June. I hope my neighbors read this.

06.  Use Secret Service agents to kidnap Bill O’Reilly and drop him off somewhere in Iceland. Increase Secret Service salaries. Have Secret Service come up with list of others they’d like to kidnap and drop off in Iceland. Make sure family members stay off list.

07.  Outlaw “Smilin’ Bob” commercials.

08.  Outlaw spandex for women over forty.

09.  Take away driver’s license as soon as people hit the age of 80. No, that’s not mean; it’s practical.

10.  Outlaw plastic deer on front lawns. Bring back life-sized gnomes.

11.  Local news shows should have one anchor, and one anchor only. Enough of that silly bantering, I can actually feel myself getting stupider while watching.

12.  Change rules about President not being allowed to blog or email.

13.  Paint facade of White House hot pink.

14.  Invite Sarah Silverman for official White House Shabbos.

15.  Hire personal chef to pack school lunches so I don’t get blamed because my daughter “didn’t want that particular sandwich today”.

16.  Make Paul Bethany Press Secretary, so Press Conferences sound like A Knight’s Tale. Ask Hillary to be V.P. (That’s right, Mr. Obama! I wouldn’t hesitate!!!!!!!! )

17.  Keep personal stylist really happy so she doesn’t take revenge on my outfits.

18.  Bring back the Bouffant.

19.  Give English Majors huge tax breaks.

20.  Forgive all student loans. Take money from military budget to make this happen.

Dear Mr. Nader,

I’ve noticed you weren’t very nice to Mr. Obama today. I understand; the country has been ignoring you lately, and like all of us, you need attention. My daughter, who is six, sometimes has that problem, too. Negative attention is better than nothing at all, she thinks, which is why she will hit her brother or break shit while I’m trying to get some work done. It usually works to some extent: she does end up getting my attention, but it’s not really fun for anybody involved.

Here’s the thing: when you say stupid things, people won’t vote for you. Now, that’s not really an issue since you’re not going to win the election anyway (I hope you know that, because if you don’t, well…) but I must say it’s kind of irritating. You’re like that kid in high school that never shuts up during English class, even though the teacher has asked him repeatedly to stop reading from his badly written teenage-angst-filled poetry. Everybody rolls their eyes when you open your mouth, have you ever noticed that? Ross Perot was funny looking and disgustingly wealthy; he also spoke with a sidesplitting accent, which is why he was allowed to stay in the ring for a little bit. We could laugh at him; you, I am sorry to say, are a boring man. Also, you have become a little pissy as of late. It’s not attractive. 

You’ve tried this before (everybody remembers); the fact that you are at it again shows your ego is bigger than Newt Gingrich’s ass. May I suggest a solution? If you’re lonely, and you need to be in the limelight more, you could have an affair with someone famous. That will get you lots of press, I promise. Otherwise we will have to do to you what I do to my six-year-old daughter when her attention seeking is out of control: give you a nice, long time out.

Good Luck, and G-d Bless

“He’s young, and inexperienced and he’s got a funny name. And did I mention he’s black?”

So went the speech of Obama at a Jacksonville fundraiser. Okay, yes; he was a little flippant, but the real reason Republicans are shitting their panties is the truth of Obama’s words. Who are all those angry campaign advisors kidding with that fake righteous indignation? Of course they will come after Obama with everything they have, they’re just pissed he called them on it. First the denial of public funding, now this; Obama has thrown down the gauntlet, and the McCain campaign will need to come up with a better response. Or maybe not; maybe they can just sit back and slowly bleed to death; that would be nice. All the Republican commentators on television ever do is get pissy, and then deny, deny, deny. Although, of course they’d deny that too.

It’s quire a creepy story about those teenage pregnancies in Gloucester, Massachusetts. A Pregnancy Pact? Among sixteen-year-olds? Funny, how the school authorities admitted that over 100 pregnancy tests were handed out about 9 months ago, yet nobody thought that was a bit odd. Now, they say, they will discuss maybe adding some sex Ed; currently, it’s only taught to freshmen. Because, you know, sophomores, juniors, and seniors will behave without having to be reminded. Contraceptives aren’t popular anyway; the counselor who tried teaching the students about that option was fired. He must be rolling his eyes a lot these days. Meantime, the rest of us wonder: what do you tell these girls? How on earth do you explain to girls this stupid why they should not have done what they did? Where do you even start? I swear; sometimes all you can do is shake your head, sigh, and change the channel.

What can I say? It’s pretty damn hypnotizing.