Fun With Play-Dough

Does anybody know who Gwen Jackson is? No, me neither. Until I saw a little story about this Criminal Defense Attorney who is concerned about how Obama is portrayed on SNL. Because, you know, Fred Armisen is not half Kenyan and half Midwest-white; no, he’s Venezuelan and Japanese. Oh, the horror! How dare Lorne Michaels not hire a comedian who is of the exact same ethnicity as Obama! Feh! From now on, Armisen should only be allowed to play Venezupanese characters. Pretending to be black just confuses people.

I guess she never saw Darryl Hammond impersonate Jesse Jackson; but then, he’s only done it, like, 5,000 times.

A sad story: Hedviga Golik of Zagreb, Croatia, was found dead in her flat after 35 years. Her neighbors had never really bothered with her, and apparently broke in because they wanted to claim her apartment for themselves. When they found a mummy instead of a live Hedviga, they called the cops. So, tell me this: why didn’t they lie? Why admit they were breaking in to get the apartment: I would have lied and told the police I was concerned that my neighbor was missing; that way, you’d look like a hero instead of an asshole.

I bet they killed her and waited for someone to find her, and when that didn’t happen, they got tired of it. Still; 35 years is a bit long.

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

Six of the seven California Supreme Court Justices are Republican appointees. Yet, the court made the right decision, and that’s awesome. It’s a landmark, and the bitter bitches that are waving their stupid “save straight marriage” signs can all got to hell. 

This old and tired argument that gay marriage hurts straight marriage needs to be put to rest; yes, the heteros aren’t doing so well, but that’s not a consequence of anybody being gay, nor is it the real reason people are against gay marriage. The reason people are homophobic is because it makes them feel more secure about their own lives.

I haven’t paid the rent on the trailer, and I have six kids from fifteen different fathers; my truck broke down and I can’t find my Bedazzler anywhere; but holy shit, at least I’m not gay! Hallelujah! Now, let’s go drive around with a case of beer on the back seat and drink until we forget our troubles…

I just know that’s what Tony Perkins does in his spare time. I hope he cries himself to sleep tonight. Family Research Council my ass.

Song Bush was humming after his speech today: “It’s my White House and I’ll lie if I want to”. Seriously, what are the speechwriters thinking? Oh, we’re in Israel, Israel means Jews, and Jews shit their pants when you invoke Hitler’s name?

As a matter of fact, we don’t. George must not have heard about Telushkin’s 614^th commandment: “Thou shalt not grant Hitler any posthumous victories”. That includes not letting anyone bully us into turning our backs on Obama. What, did you think we’d roll over and play ball when faced with your stupid propaganda? Besides, if the Nazis had had their way, there would not be anybody like Obama on the planet.

Thanks; Bush, for trying to score a victory over the backs of six million victims. Asshole. But we’re not falling for it.  As if we needed any additional reminders that George Bush is the biggest wanker to ever have walked the capitol. If I were McCain, I’d place a phone call to George and tell him to shut up. On second thought: keep it up. We can use an easy victory in November. Then we can pull the troops out of Iraq and use the money for all the collective therapy we’ll need to forget about the past eight damn years.

Say it loud and say it proud: Jews for Obama! 

God, I love scandals; and Rep. Vito Fossella’s is a great one: After getting pulled over for driving drunk, he had to admit he was on his way to see his “second family.”  His mistress, with whom he has a love child (isn’t that an awesome expression), is a retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel by the name of Laura Fay. His statement (answering questions about my political future is the furthest from my mind) aside, Fossella was forced to resign anyway. He cried like a baby while doing so, because, of course, he’s feeling “very, very bad” about everything that happened.

Sure you do, you dipshit. It always sucks when you get caught, doesn’t it?

The funny part about all this is the discussion immediately after the arrest; apparently, opinions differed about whether he should resign or not. The Republican Party isn’t keen on a special election, for fear they’ll lose (you think?) and some would have preferred Fossella serve out his term until November. Okay, granted; the Republicans would like to buy some time, I can understand that. But honestly, people: driving drunk, having an affair that has lasted for years, having a child with the mistress, really, there’s only so much dirt you can sweep under the mat before the bulge starts showing.

Back to the old questions: why do so many politicians think they can get away with it? And when will we finally see one that stands up on the podium and declares: “Hell, yes, I did it, and I’m not sorry. Can you blame me for having an affair? Have you seen my wife?”