Fun With Play-Dough

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

How to make a decision once and for all:

• Has anybody ever doubted the fairness of playing “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”? (how the hell do you spell that, anyway?)
• A Zoolander-style Walk-off, televised in real time
• Mud wrestling. Seriously; Let’s see how that pant suit holds up.
• Political Jeopardy; the public can design the questions
• Tequila
• Monopoly Marathon
• Three-way staring contest
• Very High Stake Poker  
• Pin the tail on the donkey; use Cheney for the donkey.  Rename it “shoot the donkey”.
• Go Fear Factor; have Andrew Zimmern pick the menu. Don’t tell them the rules. Whoever is stupid enough to eat that rare Thai regurgitated Scorpion dish does not get the Presidency.
• Take a key to the White House, encase it in cement and drop to on the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain. Finder’s keepers.

What?! Who the hell is Bob Barr? Is he related to Roseanne Barr? And why does he deem it necessary to announce now, at the eleventh hour? And why does he wear those ugly glasses? And why would somebody who was so much in the forefront during the Clinton Impeachment now assist the Democratic Party by messing with McCain?

My husband thinks he’s just bitter because he likes neither McCain nor Obama, and we’re pretty much sure that it’s going to be Obama and not Hillary. However, I doubt that Barr has any fuzzy feelings for Hillary either; for that matter, he could have been a little speedier with his announcement. Still, this is puzzling. The man must realize there is absolutely no chance in hell he will come within flying distance of the presidency. If he thinks he’s got a chance, he needs a medication adjustment, as do those that support him financially.

Nader supporters can be forgiven because there’s a genuine passion involved in supporting him, and an idealism that doesn’t really hurt anyone. Barr supporters, however, need to have their heads examined. I suggest they send their money somewhere where it’s actually needed. Oklahoma, Georgia, Myanmar, you name it.

Obama responded to McCain’s nasty Hamas comments by saying their policies weren’t all that different, and that McCain “lost his bearings”, and this pissed of the McCain camp?  Now they’re asserting that what Obama really meant was that McCain is old?

Hold the ballot. First of all, since when is “losing your bearings” the same as “old”? If Obama wanted to say that, he would have. It would have sounded like this: “John McCain is old.” But he didn’t; instead he said, “Lost his bearings.” That means you’re nuts, John. Why don’t you get mad over that?

Enough about McCain; it’s almost Mother’s Day!!! Are you excited? I sure am. Maybe this year, my husband will finally give me a Vermont Teddy bear. They only cost about $100; It’s what every self respecting grown up woman wants; a damn teddy bear with clothes on. Besides, I can’t wait to find out why the hell the gift box needs an air hole.

Rewind about 12 ½ years; I am brand new to America, and I turn on what I think is Public Radio:

Husband: “What on earth are you listening to?”

Me: “I think it’s stand-up. This guy is doing a really over-the-top impression of some right wing asshole. He’s pretty good.”

Husband: “No, sweetheart, that’s Rush Limbaugh”.

Me: “Who is Rush Limbaugh?”

Who is Rush Limbaugh, indeed. Oh, how I wish I could return to my pre-Rush, naively happy days when I had never heard he existed. When the pill popping came out, I sighed with relief; surely now he would lose his job, crawl back into his hole and die bitter and alone. But no, for some strange reason this man is still on the radio, spouting nonsense, and dangerous nonsense at that. What’s worse, he actually acts like his opinion matters. Shutting him up is like trying to kill a cockroach with a ballet slipper. Maybe, when Obama wins in November, he will have a heart attack; dare to hope.

Meantime, sorting through the FLDS family tree is harder than trying to make sense of Anne Rice’s Mayfair connections, and considerably less fun. Meantime, www.2wives.com continues to thrive. It’s a useful site for those people that watch all this unfold, and think, well, I’m not that religious, but polygamy is something that sounds attractive… But watch out: they don’t want to help you if you don’t plan on telling your wife she’s not the only one. They also don’t service women that want more than one husband. Bastards.