Fun With Play-Dough

Song Bush was humming after his speech today: “It’s my White House and I’ll lie if I want to”. Seriously, what are the speechwriters thinking? Oh, we’re in Israel, Israel means Jews, and Jews shit their pants when you invoke Hitler’s name?

As a matter of fact, we don’t. George must not have heard about Telushkin’s 614^th commandment: “Thou shalt not grant Hitler any posthumous victories”. That includes not letting anyone bully us into turning our backs on Obama. What, did you think we’d roll over and play ball when faced with your stupid propaganda? Besides, if the Nazis had had their way, there would not be anybody like Obama on the planet.

Thanks; Bush, for trying to score a victory over the backs of six million victims. Asshole. But we’re not falling for it.  As if we needed any additional reminders that George Bush is the biggest wanker to ever have walked the capitol. If I were McCain, I’d place a phone call to George and tell him to shut up. On second thought: keep it up. We can use an easy victory in November. Then we can pull the troops out of Iraq and use the money for all the collective therapy we’ll need to forget about the past eight damn years.

Say it loud and say it proud: Jews for Obama! 

How to make a decision once and for all:

• Has anybody ever doubted the fairness of playing “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”? (how the hell do you spell that, anyway?)
• A Zoolander-style Walk-off, televised in real time
• Mud wrestling. Seriously; Let’s see how that pant suit holds up.
• Political Jeopardy; the public can design the questions
• Tequila
• Monopoly Marathon
• Three-way staring contest
• Very High Stake Poker  
• Pin the tail on the donkey; use Cheney for the donkey.  Rename it “shoot the donkey”.
• Go Fear Factor; have Andrew Zimmern pick the menu. Don’t tell them the rules. Whoever is stupid enough to eat that rare Thai regurgitated Scorpion dish does not get the Presidency.
• Take a key to the White House, encase it in cement and drop to on the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain. Finder’s keepers.

Obama responded to McCain’s nasty Hamas comments by saying their policies weren’t all that different, and that McCain “lost his bearings”, and this pissed of the McCain camp?  Now they’re asserting that what Obama really meant was that McCain is old?

Hold the ballot. First of all, since when is “losing your bearings” the same as “old”? If Obama wanted to say that, he would have. It would have sounded like this: “John McCain is old.” But he didn’t; instead he said, “Lost his bearings.” That means you’re nuts, John. Why don’t you get mad over that?

Enough about McCain; it’s almost Mother’s Day!!! Are you excited? I sure am. Maybe this year, my husband will finally give me a Vermont Teddy bear. They only cost about $100; It’s what every self respecting grown up woman wants; a damn teddy bear with clothes on. Besides, I can’t wait to find out why the hell the gift box needs an air hole.

Did we almost forget there were Republican primaries as well yesterday? Seems like a massive waste of time and money, but okay; do what you must. Here are the results: McCain won. But wait, not everybody voted for him; in fact, the results are quite fascinating. McCain came away with 74% in North Carolina, and got 77% of the votes in Indiana. Respectable numbers, if he were actually running against someone. Huckabee got 12% in both states, while Romney got 5% in N.C. and 7% in Indiana. Even Ron Paul got a few X’s behind his name; it’s obvious that not all party members are happy with McCain’s slam-dunk. This could potentially become a problem for him in the fall; not so much because these people might vote for a Democrat, but they might decide to stay home. Or not; we can hope, can’t we?

Here is a story I don’t quite understand: two women in New Zealand were hospitalized after accidentally sipping dishwasher liquid. The liquid had been mistaken for mulled wine; the customer sipped and burned herself, after which an employee offered to test it; and here’s what I don’t get: wouldn’t you smell the difference before you sip? And if you don’t, why would the employee offer to taste it after the customer already burned her throat?

Another cute tidbit: 12-year-old David Withoft from Ridgefield, Con., has been wearing the same Packers’ jersey for four years; he recently stopped. Yes, his mother washed it regularly, but still. This is news? I guess David’s parents, by allowing this story to be in the news, have finally found the solution to an age-old problem: How do we stop our teenage son from dating?

While speaking out about Reverend Wright today, Obama looked beaten down. I feel a little beaten down myself, just watching this unfold. Obama is finding out first hand that running for office is no picnic, and that he’s hit quicksand. Once you are in quicksand, you rarely get out; the harder you try to escape, the deeper you sink. The reason he is where he is: he tried to solve this with a soft approach. He tried to be nice, and in the electoral process, there is no room for nice. There is only room for hiding in the bushes and waiting to pounce.

Is this going to cost him the nomination? Possibly.

Time for Obama to fight back. How is up to him, but here are some suggestions.

• Keep smiling. I know, this sounds inane, but when you get that worried look on your face, people subconsciously interpret it as doubt and crankiness. Facials are important; smiling gets a certain sense of confidence across. If you have your own teeth, smile big; if not, keep your mouth kind of closed while you smile. (That means you, Romney).
• Keep talking. Unlike what the media wants everyone to believe, many of us continue to care about your message. If you continue to talk about what really matters (hint: NOT rev. Wright) we will keep listening.
• Go on Colbert a few more times.
• Secure Edwards’ endorsement, you know he’s been keeping quiet, and you need to close the deal before Hillary does. Bribe and blackmail if you must.
• Fight fire with fire. For god’s sake, somebody needs to dig up some dirt on whatever church McCain belongs to. What are you paying those interns for, anyway?
• Don’t you have Oprah in your corner? Remember that white-women swing vote you’ve heard so much about? Listen, babe, they all watch Oprah, and what’s worse: they actually listen to her. Send Michelle, she’s pretty.