Fun With Play-Dough

“We’re looking for a baby monkey to love and spoil,” wrote one woman from Orlando, Florida, on an electronic bulletin board. “We are unable to have anymore children and have a void in our hearts. We need a baby to love!”

Lingerie makes Triumph unveiled its newest creation: a solar power bra. The solar panel is attached; you wear it around your stomach. I’m all for solar power; really, I am. But I imagine there are better ways to charge your cell phone than by wearing a freaking corset. Oh, and by the way, if you wear clothes over it, it won’t work. Hm.

Found on the website of the Hawaii Cannabis Ministry:

Cultivation and enjoyment of Cannabis sacrament is a fundamental human right provided by God and protected by the first Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. It is our opinion that Cannabis is the original sacrament of Hebrew, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Shinto, Buddhist, Rasta and more, and fulfills the prophesies to ‘raise up for them a plant of renown…’

Listen, dipshit, for the last time: we’re not called “Hebrew”. Hebrew is a language. Moron.

 And hen there’s this….

That’s right; bottle openers made from kangaroo scrotums. Don’t ask.

Apparently, it is now officially okay for Catholics to believe in Aliens. According to the Vatican’s chief astronomer, Funes, it’s likely there are beings “out there”, maybe more evolved than us. And to think that it took the church until 1992 to rehabilitate Galileo for saying the earth wasn’t flat…now, suddenly, aliens are acceptable? What’s next, a mission outpost on Mars? I think the church is thinking, membership is down, we need to consider our options. Or maybe it’s one big publicity stunt for the new X-files movie.

In case anybody still thinks it’s a great idea to leave a car unlocked and running, an eight-year-old Michigan boy snuck out of his house, found the car, and drove it in reverse for a couple of blocks. He then caused a three-vehicle crash; when the police arrived, he was crying. A little late, if you ask me.

My favorite new words, courtesy of Unwords.com:

Ignoranus: (ĭg’nə-rā’nəs) 1. (n.) A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.  Submitted by: Anonymous.

Abacus (ə-bāk’əs)  a. (v.) The process of baking an item for a person or group.
Example: Hey guys, are you hungry? Abacus some pie!

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

What do you think when you hear the words “rough sex”? A slap, some shackles, a whip or two? Perhaps even some biting and hot candle wax in certain places when the mood is just right?

Yeah, that’s what I thought, too; but for two unidentified lovebirds in Ottawa that’s merely child’s play. Things were getting hot and heavy when the 24-year-old man asked his 25-year-old girlfriend to carve a heart in his chest. (You know what’s really horny? Blood!) Unfortunately, her aim was a tad off, and she stabbed him in the heart. Miraculously, he pulled through, and now that she’s in a bit of legal hot water, he’s standing by his woman. Now that’s true love. Isn’t it amazing when two people with the exact level of stupidity find each other? How many people do you need to date before you find one that is that dumb? To their defense, they were both really, really drunk.

Let’s hope they don’t break up. It would be awkward for him to explain that scar to the next girlfriend. Let’s also hope they never, ever decide to have kids. Idiocy like that has to be genetic.

Stealing power lines is bad. Stealing power lines that are still live and attached, well. Kevin Lytle and Daniel Basinger of Confluence, Pa., tried it, and it didn’t go well. Lytle got shocked so hard; he couldn’t even go to court two weeks later. I like that: instant punishment. The only thing I’m not sure about is; were they punished for their criminal behavior, or for being stupid?

Speaking of, apparently, there is a church somewhere in Wales that calls itself the Church of Jediism. Yes, that’s the faith followed by some Star Wars characters, and no, I’m not making it up.  Arwel Wynne Hughes disapproved, and paid a visit to the church. Dressed up as Darth Vader (with a trash bag for a cape!) he attacked the church’s founder Barney Jones, who is also known as Master Jonba Hehol. Weapon of choice? What else: a crutch. Master Hehol’s cousin, Master Mormi Hehol, was attacked too; and the whole thing was caught on tape because they were getting ready to film a light saber battle in the churchyard. Yes, I’ll be searching YouTube, too.

Hughes claims not to remember anything due to the fact he’d downed 2.5 gallons of wine beforehand. That’s a pity; but I think I’d be claiming temporary memory loss, too. Still, to be that drunk and still be able to beat the crap out of 2 Jedis; that’s pretty impressive. Note: if a drunk Welshman can kick your ass, you’re probably not a real Jedi.