Fun With Play-Dough

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

Did we almost forget there were Republican primaries as well yesterday? Seems like a massive waste of time and money, but okay; do what you must. Here are the results: McCain won. But wait, not everybody voted for him; in fact, the results are quite fascinating. McCain came away with 74% in North Carolina, and got 77% of the votes in Indiana. Respectable numbers, if he were actually running against someone. Huckabee got 12% in both states, while Romney got 5% in N.C. and 7% in Indiana. Even Ron Paul got a few X’s behind his name; it’s obvious that not all party members are happy with McCain’s slam-dunk. This could potentially become a problem for him in the fall; not so much because these people might vote for a Democrat, but they might decide to stay home. Or not; we can hope, can’t we?

Here is a story I don’t quite understand: two women in New Zealand were hospitalized after accidentally sipping dishwasher liquid. The liquid had been mistaken for mulled wine; the customer sipped and burned herself, after which an employee offered to test it; and here’s what I don’t get: wouldn’t you smell the difference before you sip? And if you don’t, why would the employee offer to taste it after the customer already burned her throat?

Another cute tidbit: 12-year-old David Withoft from Ridgefield, Con., has been wearing the same Packers’ jersey for four years; he recently stopped. Yes, his mother washed it regularly, but still. This is news? I guess David’s parents, by allowing this story to be in the news, have finally found the solution to an age-old problem: How do we stop our teenage son from dating?

Continuing to whine about Hillary’s math is like trying to milk the bull while the cow is standing a few feet away; wondering when the hell anybody is going to pay attention to her.

Sorry for the run-on sentence, but there is no story here, and I wish the media would stop trying to create one.

Meantime, some bad reports are coming from the Windy City. I have a bit of a soft spot for Chicago; it was he first place I landed when I immigrated to America. The man who is now my husband indulged my need to go to all the usual places a fresh immigrant likes to see, from Dunkin’ Donuts to Macy’s, and I have fond memories. We even went back for our honeymoon, although it was so bloody cold my face froze within ten seconds of leaving our hotel.

With the recent increase in violence, the city has decided to up security, and the cops have been handed some fun new weapons. Will it help? Maybe; if they don’t shoot their eye out first.

I know what Chicago needs: a real life Batman. I can just see him swinging from the Sears Tower. Hey, isn’t Huckabee looking for a new high-profile job? I wonder if the black-rubber-look would work for him.

With the exception of Edwards, I can barely remember who ran alongside Hillary and Obama. That’s because those Democrats that dropped out of the race early made a quiet and well-mannered exit. They don’t continue to pop up all over the place like celebrity has-beens on a reality show no one wants to watch.

What is it with Huckabee and Romney that they just won’t go home? Give it up already; no one cares what you have to say, that’s why you had to drop out in the first place!

It’s not just that they won’t leave; it’s the additional stupidity of the comments. As if Romney wants to make sure we won’t regret not supporting him, he now calls Obama ‘elitist’.  Romney, we already knew you were an idiot; it’s not as if we need a reminder.

But then, maybe you do; which, I have to say, is a bit annoying.

A much funnier bit of news is the replacement of the Fraudulent Mediums Act of 1951; this, so the spiritual healers, fortune-tellers and other wankers claim, will mean they have to now prove that they are genuine, which “no other religion has to do”. They might also have to give clients a disclaimer about their services. For instance, if they claim to communicate with your dead uncle Bernie, they will have to warn you that it might not actually be your uncle Bernie.

Hold the Crystal ball, people. Since when are spiritual healers part of a religion? It seems that some tighter laws regulating these idiots is the best thing ever; besides, if they are real healers and fortune tellers, they’ve got nothing to worry about. But of course, they’re not.

Or did they think Harry Potter was real?

Oh Huckabee, why won’t you go away? It was fun for a while, but then it ended, and we’ve all moved on. Why can’t you? Signing on with a Hollywood talent agency, a new website, a new political action committee; what are you planning? I can’t figure out the pattern, but soon, I will. Whatever it is you’re conniving to do; if you’re still thinking about the Vice presidency, stop it now.

Other things I am tired off:

• Lou Dobbs
• Cats who don’t bury their turds (that means you, Lola!)
• Telemarketers
• That commercial with the guy in the crappy car who should have checked his credit
• Voter blocks; on Monday, it’s the white working class males that will ‘swing the vote’, on Tuesday it’s the ‘single women.’ Soon, it will be the Southern fry cooks, but only if they own a puppy and drive a Toyota.
• Yoghurt that supposedly helps your digestive system
• Weather men that say “precip” because they can’t be bothered to pronounce the whole word
• Billy Mays yelling about Oxy clean and light switches
• American Idol