Fun With Play-Dough

Carter says Israel has 150 Nuclear weapons. Maybe, and so what? Does anybody seriously expect Israel not to defend itself? The arrogance of Carter to complain about that, while the country is embroiled in a poorly planned war in Iraq, and a conflict in Afghanistan, is mind-boggling. Remember the blood thirst that swept the nation during the weeks following 9/11? Well, guess what; in Israel, it’s been 9/11 for many, many years, and the terrorists live right next door.

I’m starting to get the feeling that Jimmy Carter is feeling his years, and is afraid we’ll forget all about him. Hence his recent comments about Hillary, and the fact she will need to throw in the towel immediately after June 3^rd.
Oh Yeah, Jimmy; Hillary will certainly listen to you. As if she needed another reason to stay at the party long after the last guests have left; I just know she shivers with excitement every time you speak. You are the master and she is the servant to your overwhelming intelligence and charisma. Give me a break.

Between Carter and Bill, I think we are seeing the need for a “former-President-gag-order”. Maybe we should put that in place now, before we add another ex to the fray; imagine what Bush will say when he is finally moved out of the oval office. Oh, wait; I know the solution. There’s been all this talk about sending another man to the moon, but nobody has specified what man. Hm. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? We could all vote on which ex-President gets to ride the rocket. Now those would be fun elections…

Michelle Obama is getting a little too much attention from the Republicans, and one has to wonder a couple of things. First of all, this was a stupid ad. Don’t the Repu’s have anything better, or are they just saving it for later? Are they trying to lull us to sleep?

Second, why does Obama feel he has to defend his wife? If there’s one thing that’s clear to anybody with a pair of eyes, it’s this: Michelle Obama can stand up for herself. Barack should know that Michelle can’t be thrown under anybody’s bus; she will stop that bus, beat the crap out of whoever is driving it, get behind the wheel herself, and drive it all the way to the White House.

Third, how come everybody is surprised? We’ve been making fun of Cindy McCain, Laura Bush, Barbara Bush, and Lynn Cheney for years; Hillary got her ass kicked every day that Bill was in office. Suddenly, now that Michelle is the target, it’s different? It’s nothing new, a far as I’m concerned. Annoying, yes, I’ll give you that.

Something else I’m wondering: when the hell is McCain going to shut up about Obama’s supposedly fuzzy feelings for Iran? Please! He’s starting to sound like that really irritating kid in high school that always invents non existent crushes for others. Give it a rest, write a new speech, or go take a nap, anything but this! Jesus!

Does anybody know who Gwen Jackson is? No, me neither. Until I saw a little story about this Criminal Defense Attorney who is concerned about how Obama is portrayed on SNL. Because, you know, Fred Armisen is not half Kenyan and half Midwest-white; no, he’s Venezuelan and Japanese. Oh, the horror! How dare Lorne Michaels not hire a comedian who is of the exact same ethnicity as Obama! Feh! From now on, Armisen should only be allowed to play Venezupanese characters. Pretending to be black just confuses people.

I guess she never saw Darryl Hammond impersonate Jesse Jackson; but then, he’s only done it, like, 5,000 times.

A sad story: Hedviga Golik of Zagreb, Croatia, was found dead in her flat after 35 years. Her neighbors had never really bothered with her, and apparently broke in because they wanted to claim her apartment for themselves. When they found a mummy instead of a live Hedviga, they called the cops. So, tell me this: why didn’t they lie? Why admit they were breaking in to get the apartment? I would have lied and told the police I was concerned that my neighbor was missing; that way, you’d look like a hero instead of an asshole.

I bet they killed her and waited for someone to find her, and when that didn’t happen, they got tired of it. Still; 35 years is a bit long.

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

How to make a decision once and for all:

• Has anybody ever doubted the fairness of playing “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”? (how the hell do you spell that, anyway?)
• A Zoolander-style Walk-off, televised in real time
• Mud wrestling. Seriously; Let’s see how that pant suit holds up.
• Political Jeopardy; the public can design the questions
• Tequila
• Monopoly Marathon
• Three-way staring contest
• Very High Stake Poker  
• Pin the tail on the donkey; use Cheney for the donkey.  Rename it “shoot the donkey”.
• Go Fear Factor; have Andrew Zimmern pick the menu. Don’t tell them the rules. Whoever is stupid enough to eat that rare Thai regurgitated Scorpion dish does not get the Presidency.
• Take a key to the White House, encase it in cement and drop to on the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain. Finder’s keepers.