Fun With Play-Dough

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

Song Bush was humming after his speech today: “It’s my White House and I’ll lie if I want to”. Seriously, what are the speechwriters thinking? Oh, we’re in Israel, Israel means Jews, and Jews shit their pants when you invoke Hitler’s name?

As a matter of fact, we don’t. George must not have heard about Telushkin’s 614^th commandment: “Thou shalt not grant Hitler any posthumous victories”. That includes not letting anyone bully us into turning our backs on Obama. What, did you think we’d roll over and play ball when faced with your stupid propaganda? Besides, if the Nazis had had their way, there would not be anybody like Obama on the planet.

Thanks; Bush, for trying to score a victory over the backs of six million victims. Asshole. But we’re not falling for it.  As if we needed any additional reminders that George Bush is the biggest wanker to ever have walked the capitol. If I were McCain, I’d place a phone call to George and tell him to shut up. On second thought: keep it up. We can use an easy victory in November. Then we can pull the troops out of Iraq and use the money for all the collective therapy we’ll need to forget about the past eight damn years.

Say it loud and say it proud: Jews for Obama! 

How to make a decision once and for all:

• Has anybody ever doubted the fairness of playing “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”? (how the hell do you spell that, anyway?)
• A Zoolander-style Walk-off, televised in real time
• Mud wrestling. Seriously; Let’s see how that pant suit holds up.
• Political Jeopardy; the public can design the questions
• Tequila
• Monopoly Marathon
• Three-way staring contest
• Very High Stake Poker  
• Pin the tail on the donkey; use Cheney for the donkey.  Rename it “shoot the donkey”.
• Go Fear Factor; have Andrew Zimmern pick the menu. Don’t tell them the rules. Whoever is stupid enough to eat that rare Thai regurgitated Scorpion dish does not get the Presidency.
• Take a key to the White House, encase it in cement and drop to on the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain. Finder’s keepers.

There is one rule regarding Presidential candidates that few journalists ever talk about, and it has to do with looks. A candidate doesn’t need to be hot; we don’t want to be distracted by sultry looks and wavy hair; nobody wants to see a President that belongs on the cover of a romance novel. Instead, we need someone who is neutral to look at; not too handsome, not too ugly, but somewhere in the middle. A face that is a bit boring, if you will, but above all, inoffensive. A face that would look good on both your mailman and your Rabbi; a face that doesn’t compete with those endless grey suits and non-descript ties. A face that is neither pleasant nor unpleasant.

It’s one of the few positive things I can say about George: at least, when he is on TV, I don’t go “Jesus!” at the sight of him. His voice, yes, but his face is, well, just bland enough for the leader of the free world.

Which is why it is such a bad idea for Robert Barr to run: the man was not blessed with a pleasing countenance. The glasses don’t help. It’s even worse when he speaks; the way his skin moves around his skull is reminiscent of a wooden pin rolling out bread dough. It’s like he’s being worked over by an invisible massage therapist, and it’s hurting. Besides: President Barr? Are you kidding me? Do you know how many jokes we can make based on that name alone?

Granted, Cheney is really ugly, too. I’ll give you that. But: that’s why he is the Vice, and not the President.

What?! Who the hell is Bob Barr? Is he related to Roseanne Barr? And why does he deem it necessary to announce now, at the eleventh hour? And why does he wear those ugly glasses? And why would somebody who was so much in the forefront during the Clinton Impeachment now assist the Democratic Party by messing with McCain?

My husband thinks he’s just bitter because he likes neither McCain nor Obama, and we’re pretty much sure that it’s going to be Obama and not Hillary. However, I doubt that Barr has any fuzzy feelings for Hillary either; for that matter, he could have been a little speedier with his announcement. Still, this is puzzling. The man must realize there is absolutely no chance in hell he will come within flying distance of the presidency. If he thinks he’s got a chance, he needs a medication adjustment, as do those that support him financially.

Nader supporters can be forgiven because there’s a genuine passion involved in supporting him, and an idealism that doesn’t really hurt anyone. Barr supporters, however, need to have their heads examined. I suggest they send their money somewhere where it’s actually needed. Oklahoma, Georgia, Myanmar, you name it.