Fun With Play-Dough

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

Song Bush was humming after his speech today: “It’s my White House and I’ll lie if I want to”. Seriously, what are the speechwriters thinking? Oh, we’re in Israel, Israel means Jews, and Jews shit their pants when you invoke Hitler’s name?

As a matter of fact, we don’t. George must not have heard about Telushkin’s 614^th commandment: “Thou shalt not grant Hitler any posthumous victories”. That includes not letting anyone bully us into turning our backs on Obama. What, did you think we’d roll over and play ball when faced with your stupid propaganda? Besides, if the Nazis had had their way, there would not be anybody like Obama on the planet.

Thanks; Bush, for trying to score a victory over the backs of six million victims. Asshole. But we’re not falling for it.  As if we needed any additional reminders that George Bush is the biggest wanker to ever have walked the capitol. If I were McCain, I’d place a phone call to George and tell him to shut up. On second thought: keep it up. We can use an easy victory in November. Then we can pull the troops out of Iraq and use the money for all the collective therapy we’ll need to forget about the past eight damn years.

Say it loud and say it proud: Jews for Obama! 

What?! Who the hell is Bob Barr? Is he related to Roseanne Barr? And why does he deem it necessary to announce now, at the eleventh hour? And why does he wear those ugly glasses? And why would somebody who was so much in the forefront during the Clinton Impeachment now assist the Democratic Party by messing with McCain?

My husband thinks he’s just bitter because he likes neither McCain nor Obama, and we’re pretty much sure that it’s going to be Obama and not Hillary. However, I doubt that Barr has any fuzzy feelings for Hillary either; for that matter, he could have been a little speedier with his announcement. Still, this is puzzling. The man must realize there is absolutely no chance in hell he will come within flying distance of the presidency. If he thinks he’s got a chance, he needs a medication adjustment, as do those that support him financially.

Nader supporters can be forgiven because there’s a genuine passion involved in supporting him, and an idealism that doesn’t really hurt anyone. Barr supporters, however, need to have their heads examined. I suggest they send their money somewhere where it’s actually needed. Oklahoma, Georgia, Myanmar, you name it.

Rewind about 12 ½ years; I am brand new to America, and I turn on what I think is Public Radio:

Husband: “What on earth are you listening to?”

Me: “I think it’s stand-up. This guy is doing a really over-the-top impression of some right wing asshole. He’s pretty good.”

Husband: “No, sweetheart, that’s Rush Limbaugh”.

Me: “Who is Rush Limbaugh?”

Who is Rush Limbaugh, indeed. Oh, how I wish I could return to my pre-Rush, naively happy days when I had never heard he existed. When the pill popping came out, I sighed with relief; surely now he would lose his job, crawl back into his hole and die bitter and alone. But no, for some strange reason this man is still on the radio, spouting nonsense, and dangerous nonsense at that. What’s worse, he actually acts like his opinion matters. Shutting him up is like trying to kill a cockroach with a ballet slipper. Maybe, when Obama wins in November, he will have a heart attack; dare to hope.

Meantime, sorting through the FLDS family tree is harder than trying to make sense of Anne Rice’s Mayfair connections, and considerably less fun. Meantime, www.2wives.com continues to thrive. It’s a useful site for those people that watch all this unfold, and think, well, I’m not that religious, but polygamy is something that sounds attractive… But watch out: they don’t want to help you if you don’t plan on telling your wife she’s not the only one. They also don’t service women that want more than one husband. Bastards.

So Barack takes North Carolina, while Hillary will probably get Indiana. No surprise there; we’re all so bored that even my daughter, who is six, is wondering out loud when this is over with. Before I start beating myself up over having introduced politics to a first grader too early, she brings me her homework.  Mixed in with the assignments is an issue of Time Magazine for Kids, the “Road to the White House” edition. Ah.

“Candidates meet people,” it says, “they shake hands and kiss babies; they answer people’s questions.” Frankly, I’ve always wondered about that baby bit. Why do politicians kiss babies when they are on the trail? And do they stop this once they’re elected? What if they don’t win? Do they still continue kissing babies left and right; is it a hard habit to break?  And why would anybody want his or her baby kissed by a politician?  How do you know the candidate in question doesn’t have a bad cold?

Has anybody studied the effects of the baby kissing? One has to imagine there is some proven benefit to the whole deal; maybe a percentage point of gain among voters for every thirty babies kissed, something like that? Would it be the campaign manager’s job to whisper in the politician’s ear: there’s a good one on the left; skip the one in the green jammies, it looks like he’s got a rash!  Or would a candidate just sort of play it by ear?

There. That’s how bored I am.