Fun With Play-Dough

Do we dare listen to the debate tonight? I am wondering if Hillary will have anything new to share, or if it will be more of the same. I think we’ve just about had it with Rev. Wright and the accusation of elitism. We want something new, so here are some pointers for this evening’s Democratic debate that will allow the candidates to talk about stuff that actually matters:

1. Gun control, baby!  Today is the anniversary of the Virginia Tech bloodbath; it’s the perfect time to address this issue once and for all. It is still too easy for anybody to get their hands on a gun; no one needs an AK 47 in their linen closet. No one. No disrespect, but the NRA lost its leader; right now they are at their weakest. Strike while the iron is hot.
2. The environment continues to be a hot button; it’s never enough. Bush just gave a rambling speech today; advisors for both campaigns should have plenty of time to rip it apart before tonight’s event. Explain why he is useless, and how the Dems can do a better job. Honestly, you’ve got Gore in your party; this is a no-brainer.
3. A long and detailed discussion of how education will be improved under Democratic rule. Use big words, so Conservative talk show hosts can’t respond right away.
4. Speaking of conservative talk shows; can they be outlawed? We all know Free Speech doesn’t really exist.  Ask Reverend Wright.
5. Bring back jobs by super-taxing Wal-Mart for buying crap from China. And for not paying their employees enough. And for constructing these ugly buildings all over the place. And for being Wal-Mart.

Just some ideas; I’ll have more later but I’m running out of time. Get to work! And Hill, I still like you, but if you say the word “bitter” even once tonight, I’m giving up for good.

Watching the news often raises more questions than it answers; without fail, I end up on the Internet afterwards, frantically trying to find out what the hell everybody is talking about. For instance, why are so many people wetting their panties over Hillary’s tax returns? Call me naive, but what are they expecting to find?

Hillary is secretly funding Al Qaida training camps! She’s on Halliburton’s payroll! She’s paid $10,000 for Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby!

I’m afraid it’s nothing that exciting. And unless somebody out there makes like a daddy penguin, swallows her tax papers whole, digests, pukes them back up and then forces them down my throat, I’m not going to lose any sleep over this.

Sorry for the run-on sentence; I’m irritated.

I can barely stand to look at my own taxes, -no; of course I haven’t done them yet- so why do I want to look at hers?

That debate wasn’t exciting anyway. First of all, CNN disappointed in that they didn’t do their usual thing: show the whole soap opera, chew on it for a while, then show it again, and follow up with a promise to repeat it two more times in the next 48 hours. Second, they wasted valuable air time by letting King visit with Valerie Bertinelli. Sigh.  Jennie Craig, I hate you. Please go away.

Honestly, the only happy news today, as far as I’m concerned, came from the NY Philharmonic spreading goodwill In North Korea.  Art beats politics every time, doesn’t it?

Here comes another debate, and it’s time for Hill and Obama to answer some questions.  Yes, we want universal health care, yes we want better education and less student loans, and yes, we are tired of the war. But unfortunately, there are some additional issues that aren’t getting the necessary attention.

For instance,

• Will those Head-on commercials finally be outlawed?
• Can we look forward to a Hannah Montana-free existence?
• Can we do something about the weather? It’s been particularly heinous lately and we’re tired of it.
• I would like fewer golf courses and more art-house cinema; can we switch some of those?
• Strip Malls are ugly; I am sure there are some very poor but hardworking and talented design students that can help.
• Milk and tomatoes are too expensive lately; please fix.
• Tampons should be cheaper as well. I mean, it’s not as if we can actually say, hey, I’ll skip them this month.
• All eggs should be from cage free chickens. Honestly.
• More subsidies for city snow plows. I’ve had the same sheet of ice in front of my house for three months.
• There should be a mandatory day off for parents, where a government nanny comes in and lets you off the hook. Say, once a month?
• No more school vacations. Okay, maybe two weeks in the summer, but other than that, keep the little monsters in the classroom.  All you have to do is increase the teacher’s pay by 500%; trust me, a piece of cake once we stop funding this war, and the parents won’t complain. I promise. Imagine: smart kids, relaxed parents, teachers who can actually pay the rent, what’s not to like?

I will be watching tonight’s debate for any of these issues. Don’t disappoint me.

Nader sounded decidedly whiny this morning. Complain, complain, complain; is that all he’s bringing to this election? What, we didn’t have enough of that?

You know; I’m tired of this already.  Unless something really funny happens, I’m going to ignore Mr. Nader from here on out. He’s not a bad man, just not very important to this election.  Kind of like the kid your mother made you invite to the birthday party when you really didn’t want him around. Or the dinner guest who arrives after everyone’s done with dessert.  You get the idea.

So now what? It seems we’ll have a bit of a lull until March 4^th; what will we talk about? The continuing barbs between Hill and Barack? The so far fruitless search for “something scandalous on McCain”? Whether Obama has enough security? Gas prices? How big the hats are in Texas? What?

Maybe we can use this time to come up with a decent nickname for McCain.

“McBush” has made an appearance here and there, but it doesn’t really excite me; it also makes me a little depressed. Other names floating around the blogosphere are McCan’t, Insane McCain, and my personal favorite McPain-in-my-black-ass, which one commenter on www.DemocraticUnderground.com came up with. Maybe Obama should start using that one. Overall, we haven’t found ‘the one’ yet, and that’s disturbing.  Certainly us snotty Liberals with our superior sense of humor can come up with something better. 

Ralph Nader is running again?? Sonofabitch! I thought they were kidding!

Shouldn’t somebody monitor that man’s medication? Honestly, how delusional can you get?  I have to hand it to the Repu’s today: they can just sit back and relax, while laughing their asses off. 

Wait- that’s our job.

So, here goes. The top ten ways to get rid of Nader:

1.   AC claims he’s been working out; he could invite Ralph for an interview and deck him. Must See TV.

2.   Replace his voice in all interviews by that of the real Ralphie.

3.   Lock him in a room with Al Gore and see what happens. Tell Gore there are no rules, but that we will ALL install solar panels on our houses if he wins.

4.   Explain to him that he makes Huckabee look sexy.

5.   Start a letter writing campaign. Use one whole sheet for each word. Remind him how many trees we are not saving.

6.   Ask Hillary to release her inner bitch. I know he is afraid of her.

7.   Send an unemployed actor to his house; dressed as a polar bear. Have him maul Nader. Take pictures; distribute on the Internet. (Oh, that’s why you’re green, you sick bastard!)

8.   Take out full-page ads in all major newspapers, saying  “Thank you, Ralph,” and sign it “Your pal, Dick Cheney.”

9.   Tell him McCain has promised to outlaw Boca burgers

10.  Promise him a free lifetime supply of pot, if only he leaves the country. He’s obviously smoking it now.

Please, Mr. Nader; we all recycle, we’re all doing our part. When is it going to be enough? Being green means putting the planet first, and it is not compatible with having an oversized ego. Because when you’re really honest about yourself, that’s what this is really about.