Fun With Play-Dough

How to make a decision once and for all:

• Has anybody ever doubted the fairness of playing “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”? (how the hell do you spell that, anyway?)
• A Zoolander-style Walk-off, televised in real time
• Mud wrestling. Seriously; Let’s see how that pant suit holds up.
• Political Jeopardy; the public can design the questions
• Tequila
• Monopoly Marathon
• Three-way staring contest
• Very High Stake Poker  
• Pin the tail on the donkey; use Cheney for the donkey.  Rename it “shoot the donkey”.
• Go Fear Factor; have Andrew Zimmern pick the menu. Don’t tell them the rules. Whoever is stupid enough to eat that rare Thai regurgitated Scorpion dish does not get the Presidency.
• Take a key to the White House, encase it in cement and drop to on the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain. Finder’s keepers.

There is one rule regarding Presidential candidates that few journalists ever talk about, and it has to do with looks. A candidate doesn’t need to be hot; we don’t want to be distracted by sultry looks and wavy hair; nobody wants to see a President that belongs on the cover of a romance novel. Instead, we need someone who is neutral to look at; not too handsome, not too ugly, but somewhere in the middle. A face that is a bit boring, if you will, but above all, inoffensive. A face that would look good on both your mailman and your Rabbi; a face that doesn’t compete with those endless grey suits and non-descript ties. A face that is neither pleasant nor unpleasant.

It’s one of the few positive things I can say about George: at least, when he is on TV, I don’t go “Jesus!” at the sight of him. His voice, yes, but his face is, well, just bland enough for the leader of the free world.

Which is why it is such a bad idea for Robert Barr to run: the man was not blessed with a pleasing countenance. The glasses don’t help. It’s even worse when he speaks; the way his skin moves around his skull is reminiscent of a wooden pin rolling out bread dough. It’s like he’s being worked over by an invisible massage therapist, and it’s hurting. Besides: President Barr? Are you kidding me? Do you know how many jokes we can make based on that name alone?

Granted, Cheney is really ugly, too. I’ll give you that. But: that’s why he is the Vice, and not the President.

Employees at a gas station in Wilmington, North Carolina, accidentally set the gas price at $0.35 instead of $3.35.  The error was made around 9 a.m., but employees didn’t realize it until 6 p.m., after wondering all day why it was so busy.

Apparently, the gas wasn’t the only thing that was cheap that day; none of the customers mentioned anything.

I’m sure many people by now have seen the strange picture of Cheney that the White House put on its website. Although the thought of Vice President Mephisto getting caught with a stripper is attractive; I doubt that this is the case…unless we’re talking about a seriously deformed woman. What I want to know is, what is it really that is reflected in his glasses? I’ve stared at it until my eyes hurt, and I still can’t figure it out. I’m not holding out much hope for anybody in Washington telling us; this government has lied about so much, they’d probably lie about that too. Just out of spite.

(The LA Times actually blew it up; it’s just the reflection of Cheney’s hand casting…darn)

It is imperative that the economy gets a positive injection; now. Just watch Lou Dobbs and his incessant bitching about immigrants (yes, I take it personally) and remember how dissatisfaction with the economy led the Germans straight into the welcoming arms of Nazism. When the economy is on its ass, the foreigners get blamed; that’s how it’s always been, and that is what is happening now. It couldn’t be anybody else’s fault, could it?

Somebody needs to remind Bush that a $600 to $1200 check isn’t going to help those that are really in trouble, and tell him to come up with some better ideas. After all, it’s a few more months until that man is actually out of office; how much more damage can he do in the remaining months?

First of all, fire Cheney and give his job to somebody deserving. Then start pulling those troops out of Iraq, and use the money for something useful. I know, it’s a tired old argument, but seriously. War is expensive! Freaking expensive! Is anybody in Washington getting that? And don’t tell me this is an ideological War; we’re in it for the oil and nothing else. Imagine how much oil we could buy if we didn’t use all that money to beat the crap out of a country. And as far as Al Quayda following us home, well, if they didn’t have a good enough reason to do so before, they certainly do now.

Maybe if American tax money can be used for its intended recipients (i.e. Americans health care! Education! Social Security!) we can -as a society- stop being so scared of a few immigrant workers. It’s not as if anybody else is chomping at the bit to pick those oranges or process those cows. Don’t lie. 

I just had a thought about this race. The primaries are taking forever, everyone’s bored, and we keep hearing the same old stories over and over. There is a problem with Michigan and Florida, Obama’s Minister scares people, and Michelle isn’t proud enough. And all this time, half the country still doesn’t know the difference between a bacon burger and a super delegate.

So here’s my proposal. We solve this election Big Brother style!

Put all three candidates on one of those dorm-on-steroid houses, and let them connive amongst each other. We could pick a few additional characters, if you wish; after all, BB isn’t much fun with only three candidates. I suggest Rove, Rumsfeld, and Edwards; maybe even bring back Romney and Huckabee.  Just so there’s no gender disadvantage, bring in a few extra women: Samantha Bee, Pamela Anderson, and I hear Heather Mills has time on her hands. Cheney could be the evil ‘surprise guest’ that shows up in week five to rattle everybody’s cage. I bet he’s good at conniving, forming alliances, and then breaking them.

I predict that Rove will be the first one voted off. His little rap session (I still can’t shake that image) proves that his judgment is impaired. Who wants to wake up to that every day?

Challenges would range from ‘pin the flag on the candidate’; everybody blindfolded, trying to stick it to each other. I suspect McCain would win that one; he’s mean that way.

There could be a challenge involving the press where they all have to make it through a mock press conference. The press would be given tomatoes; they’d get to throw them whenever a candidate waffles. Whoever stays clean the longest wins, and gets to be HOH that week.

There should be an athletic challenge; we don’t want our next president to be a couch potato. And maybe they should practice admitting something vaguely nasty; just to see how they’d hold up.

A puzzle with the pieces being all the countries in the world (where exactly is Turkmenistan?) that they’ll have to solve in teams.  A hot tub that could be used as an incentive to win certain challenges, and viewers at home could vote on a weekly boxing match: whichever two house guests get the most votes will be duking it out in the ring; the loser will automatically be eliminated.

 Now, I can hear you thinking; could we do this American Idol style? To which I would answer: do you really want to hear McCain sing? Really?