Fun With Play-Dough

When you find out you are pregnant (especially if it’s the first time), it’s very common to run to the store and purchase every pregnancy book in sight. There is much to choose from; unfortunately, they are filled with advice you can’t really use.

I threw all of mine in the trash, so you’ll have to forgive me; I’m doing this from memory. What I found most annoying was the realization there were so many people in the world that knew more than me.  If you feel the same way, welcome to the club: this is the time in your life when even complete strangers have the urge to share their opinion, and you’re the least willing to listen. The books tell you what to eat, when to eat it; they tell you myths (Baby Blues for most women lasts only a few weeks) and outright lies: Morning sickness disappears after the first trimester.

Then they add the disclaimer that every woman is unique, and so is her pregnancy. That is a cop-out if I’ve ever heard one.

Well, thanks. So what they are really saying is: here’s what happens to most women, and it might happen to you, but then, it might not. You may be sick for three months, but maybe you will still be hacking up your lunch when your water breaks. You may start showing during the fourth month, but then, it’s entirely possible that people can’t see the bulge until you’re in month eight. You could develop hyper smell, or you could not. Maybe you will want only sodium-free foods; maybe you are tempted to have a salt lick installed in your bedroom. None of this is helpful to a pregnant woman who wants some answers. When I leave my house in the morning, I might get hit by a bus. Does that mean I should stay at home? 

Additional fun is to be had with the “What if” scenarios that apparently are a must for every self respecting pregnancy manual.  I remember one book that included one chapter for each month, aptly titled what can go wrong?

Excuse me?

Who thought up that brilliant idea? Look, pregnant women are paranoid by nature; they don’t need any help thinking up disaster scenarios. Think about it: panicking about whether the baby will be normal is something you can do anywhere anytime, it’s the one thing you can still manage even after six weeks on bed rest, when you’re as big as a whale, can’t see your own feet, and are contemplating selling your soul to the devil in exchange for thirty minutes of uninterrupted sleep.

(That thing with the devil doesn’t work, by the way; trust me, I’ve tried)

So why do pregnancy books continue to sell? Is it because everybody believes the hype about manuals being able to answer all questions? Is it because pregnant women get bored? Because, believe me, these nine months are looong, and boredom usually sets in around week seven. Having to pee all the time, not fitting in your normal clothes, and answering that hellish question “Do you have a name yet?” 5000 times all get old rather quickly.

I estimate that every pregnant woman buys an average of 3-4 books, which you have all finished before you’re even in your second trimester. You subsequently leave them lying around for another two months in the vain hope that your husband will read them (he won’t) and then you realize: I’ve spent $60 on something that is absolutely no help whatsoever.

If you are reading this and nodding, put them on EBay immediately, even if you haven’t finished reading yet. Then spend the money on something fun. Buy a body pillow. Buy two. Buy massage oil and tell your husband you will barf in his good shows if he doesn’t use it on you.  

You need to throw those Martha Stewart magazines out. The baby room will never look that perfect, no matter how often you threaten your husband. You will still be balancing on a ladder, trying to put those teddy bear borders up, while celebrating your child’s high school graduation. However, if you’re anything like me, you’re suffering from neurotic nesting instincts, so here are some tips for around the house.

• Don’t put up any curtains; just black out the windows with primer. Baby will grow into a toddler; this toddler will have anger attacks and rip them down (every day) but still want to run around butt naked most of the time. Hence: primer. Two layers is best.
• Buy stock in Febreze. Note: diaper genies don’t work all that well.
• Every time you eat, take a small portion of your food and smear it all over the floor.  If you ever forget to feed your baby, he can just lick the carpet.
• Take a box of crayons and scribble on all the walls; when baby does the same you won’t notice. You won’t get mad, and you won’t have to yell.
• Put a lock on the fridge. Now.
• Get into the habit of hiding your booze; someday this baby will be old enough to get his own juice out of the fridge; trust me, your friends will think it’s funny, but the people at the emergency room will not laugh.
• Install a really high shelf for the baby powder and the wipes and all the other stuff you don’t want your baby to get into; wipe green soap on the wall so they absolutely cannot climb. You’d be amazed at how good those little gremlins are at climbing anything with very little traction.  If they get a hold of the powder, they will empty it all over the room; they’ll e very quiet while they do it, and thy only do it when it’s brand new and completely full. It ruins your vacuum cleaner.
• While you’re out purchasing all the overpriced safety crap, buy a helmet. You need to think about your own safety, too.
• Decide if you’re okay with a child swinging from the chandelier; if not, move the dining table.
• Hide your make-up and stop buying Crème de la Mer, for god’s sake.
• If you still insist on having that perfect looking nursery, give the baby to your mother and plan to visit it there.

If you’re laughing, stop. I have experience with everything on this list (except that I’ve never actually taken a drunk baby to the ER), and about 5,000 other “accidents” that my children have caused. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough; just remember when you’re pulling your hair out: you’re not alone.

Partners, pay attention: here is another list of things no one should ever ask of a pregnant woman:

• Give back the remote
• Shop for groceries
• Work
• Scrub the toilet
• Remind you to get her flowers
• Remind you to give her compliments
• Remind you to give her anything
• Be wrong about anything
• Make the bed
• Vacuum
• Complete a sentence
• Defend herself for the strange food combinations she is craving.
• Share the ice cream
• Compromise
• Watch Pro’s versus Joe’s
• Gas up the car
• Remember doctor’s appointments
• Practice those stupid exercises they taught her in pregnancy class
• Walk the dog
• Be nice to you
• Wait in line, anywhere, anytime
• Let you pick the rental video
• Be put on hold
• Ask for a back rub; they should be automatic, damn it!
• Put the crib together
• Paint the nursery
• Suffer through an argument about whether the expensive giraffe border will look better in the baby room
• Cook you dinner
• Put up with your friends
• Put up with you when she wants to be alone
• Be alone when she wants you around
• Answer the question: “How are you feeling today?”
• Carry anything heavier than a ping-pong ball
• Put down that Snickers bar
• Put down that bag of chips
• Put down that box of cookies
• Be reminded that she’s pregnant; believe me, she knows.
• Wash the windows
• Take that nasty clump of hair out of the sink
• Pick up anything she’s dropped
• Be told “no”
• Apologize for crying during the commercials

It doesn’t matter what you eat, when, or how often; whether the portions are large or small, whether it was bought at MacDisgusting or prepared by a world-renowned chef.

The truth is: you will throw up. End of story, good night, thank you very much.

So, what does baby live on? Most children are, in essence, parasites; this starts in the womb, and continues until they finish grad school.  You might as well get used to it now.

Children consume your intestines, your spleen, and part of your liver; they eat one kidney, one lung, and a serious section of your stomach. Don’t worry, it will all grow back after you give birth.  Disgusting, yes? It prepares them for those wonderful jars of baby food.  After all, every annoying thing in pregnancy has a purpose.

What you should focus on, while pregnant, is which foods are the worst to throw up. It’s not just important whether it’s pleasant going down; how it feels when coming up is just as much of an issue.

Things to avoid:

• Rice
• Peanut butter sandwiches (esp. on whole wheat)
• Any type of pizza
• Meat
• Fish
• Fruit and fruit juices
• Pasta, and other grain products
• Tomatoes
• French fries
• Chocolate
• Cookies
• Anything with salt
• Dairy products
• Eggs
• Gelatin
• Caffeine
• Lettuce
• Cucumber
• All other vegetables
• Legumes

What, you say, there is nothing left? I know. It sucks, doesn’t it? You can still drink water, and every pregnancy book agrees with me that drinking plenty of water is good for pregnant women.  On the other hand, since you’ll be vomiting everything up anyway, you might as well cut loose. Just remember to take your folic acid every day.

Disclaimer for the two people among you that are incapable of telling the difference between fact and fiction: these are jokes…there is no actual medical advice here. 

When I was teaching, I would often start my classes with roll call, at least until I knew everybody’s name by heart. It went something like this:

“Amanda …”

“It’s Mandy!”

“Michelle…”

“It’s Shelly!”

“Catherine…”

“It’s Cathy!”

You get the idea. Apparently there is an unwritten rule that freshman girls have to abbreviate their names into something cute, ending with ‘ie’ or ‘y’.  You never run into a male student that, for example, responds to being called Stephen by saying “It’s Stevie!”

“What is it with you girls,” I would say, “that your real names aren’t good enough? Why do you need nicknames? How do your parents feel when you tell them, ‘the name you gave me isn’t acceptable’?”

Naming your child is tricky business; whatever name you pick sets your child on a certain path. It also explains your expectations: naming your daughter Betty Lou, for instance, is practically the same as telling her: “We don’t expect anything out of you; just make it through high school, get married, and have a few kids. And for god’s sake, don’t wear white shoes after Labor Day!”

Another thing to consider is whether the name you choose has been made (in-) famous by somebody else. I firmly believe no baby should be named after dangerous criminals, serial killers, or well-known dictators; it’s just bad form. The problem is, there are many psychopaths with very common names: David Berkowitz, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Ted Bundy, to name but a few.  Maybe it’s enough to just avoid the really obvious ones, like Adolf, or Benito.  Joseph is okay; the guy with the multi colored coat is much more famous that Stalin ever was.

Although Britney and Lindsay have no doubt taken a backseat of late, Hollywood is always ripe for the harvesting of baby names. Here, too, the rule is that what you choose defines what you end up with. We named our daughter after Isabella Rossellini, and are now living with a child that has a flair for the dramatic, and is never happier than when on stage, with the spotlight firmly focused on her. Don’t rule out other sources of fame and fortune.  Journalists, for instance, can be quite successful, although I wouldn’t recommend naming your baby after Wolf Blitzer; Wolf will cause problems on the playground, and, let’s be honest, the man looks a little funny. Go with Anderson instead; he’s much more handsome, and he travels more. Plus, since he’s visited the post-Katrina mess more than twenty times, we can be reasonably sure he has a conscience, and that’s something we all want for our children.

Of course, you can always go the old fashioned route, and name your child after a family member. Some important things to keep in mind: don’t choose a relative that has, at any time in his or her life, been addicted to something illegal, or voted for a republican. Do pick someone who can offer an inheritance, connections, or inspiration.  Finally, make sure the name you choose is long enough for those oh-so important situations where baby needs to be yelled at. The more syllables, the more impressive you sound when telling them “you have absolutely had it with their behavior”. Maximilian Jonathan, knock it off! Will make your child achieve more success in life than the parent of a simple Max can ever hope for.