Dit zijn foto’s van de vulkaan uitbarsting in Chili. Het is natuurlijk erg voor de mensen en dieren daar, maar wat een gezicht he? 

“We’re looking for a baby monkey to love and spoil,” wrote one woman from Orlando, Florida, on an electronic bulletin board. “We are unable to have anymore children and have a void in our hearts. We need a baby to love!”

Lingerie makes Triumph unveiled its newest creation: a solar power bra. The solar panel is attached; you wear it around your stomach. I’m all for solar power; really, I am. But I imagine there are better ways to charge your cell phone than by wearing a freaking corset. Oh, and by the way, if you wear clothes over it, it won’t work. Hm.

Found on the website of the Hawaii Cannabis Ministry:

Cultivation and enjoyment of Cannabis sacrament is a fundamental human right provided by God and protected by the first Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. It is our opinion that Cannabis is the original sacrament of Hebrew, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Shinto, Buddhist, Rasta and more, and fulfills the prophesies to ‘raise up for them a plant of renown…’

Listen, dipshit, for the last time: we’re not called “Hebrew”. Hebrew is a language. Moron.

 And hen there’s this….

That’s right; bottle openers made from kangaroo scrotums. Don’t ask.

Apparently, it is now officially okay for Catholics to believe in Aliens. According to the Vatican’s chief astronomer, Funes, it’s likely there are beings “out there”, maybe more evolved than us. And to think that it took the church until 1992 to rehabilitate Galileo for saying the earth wasn’t flat…now, suddenly, aliens are acceptable? What’s next, a mission outpost on Mars? I think the church is thinking, membership is down, we need to consider our options. Or maybe it’s one big publicity stunt for the new X-files movie.

In case anybody still thinks it’s a great idea to leave a car unlocked and running, an eight-year-old Michigan boy snuck out of his house, found the car, and drove it in reverse for a couple of blocks. He then caused a three-vehicle crash; when the police arrived, he was crying. A little late, if you ask me.

My favorite new words, courtesy of Unwords.com:

Ignoranus: (ĭg’nə-rā’nəs) 1. (n.) A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.  Submitted by: Anonymous.

Abacus (ə-bāk’əs)  a. (v.) The process of baking an item for a person or group.
Example: Hey guys, are you hungry? Abacus some pie!

What a lovefest it was, at the NRA headquarters. Wish I could have been there! Republicans everywhere, congratulating themselves, making snotty remarks about Obama and Hillary and subsequently gloating when people clapped…boy oh boy!

Huckabee’s joke about Obama diving to the floor, because he thought someone was pointing a gun at him, wasn’t that funny? Hucky, you are one witty SOB! I always thought there was a career in standup waiting for you…after all, you are a Baptist minister and a schlemiel; what better foundation is there for a famous comedian? 

Wait, wait; you know what you should do? Ask Karl Rove to do a double header with you; remember his rapping? Wow, that was really something. Watching you on that stage made me feel every bit as warm and fuzzy as I did back when Rove did that MC thing; I tell you, had I been there, I would have thrown my panties at your head. The only thing is, next time you make a joke about Obama, you should replace “gun” with the word “noose”. I’m sure it’ll go over really well. You like attention, and that, my friend, will get you lots of air time.  Everybody would be talking about it.

Pity you are married. 

But wait! Even though your run for the nomination fell flat, you’re still sort of a politician, right? That means you could have an affair! People do it all the time!

Come on, Mike, do it for me. We could meet in a dark alley somewhere late at night, when nobody is around, all alone, out of screaming distance… 

What do you think when you hear the words “rough sex”? A slap, some shackles, a whip or two? Perhaps even some biting and hot candle wax in certain places when the mood is just right?

Yeah, that’s what I thought, too; but for two unidentified lovebirds in Ottawa that’s merely child’s play. Things were getting hot and heavy when the 24-year-old man asked his 25-year-old girlfriend to carve a heart in his chest. (You know what’s really horny? Blood!) Unfortunately, her aim was a tad off, and she stabbed him in the heart. Miraculously, he pulled through, and now that she’s in a bit of legal hot water, he’s standing by his woman. Now that’s true love. Isn’t it amazing when two people with the exact level of stupidity find each other? How many people do you need to date before you find one that is that dumb? To their defense, they were both really, really drunk.

Let’s hope they don’t break up. It would be awkward for him to explain that scar to the next girlfriend. Let’s also hope they never, ever decide to have kids. Idiocy like that has to be genetic.

Stealing power lines is bad. Stealing power lines that are still live and attached, well. Kevin Lytle and Daniel Basinger of Confluence, Pa., tried it, and it didn’t go well. Lytle got shocked so hard; he couldn’t even go to court two weeks later. I like that: instant punishment. The only thing I’m not sure about is; were they punished for their criminal behavior, or for being stupid?

Speaking of, apparently, there is a church somewhere in Wales that calls itself the Church of Jediism. Yes, that’s the faith followed by some Star Wars characters, and no, I’m not making it up.  Arwel Wynne Hughes disapproved, and paid a visit to the church. Dressed up as Darth Vader (with a trash bag for a cape!) he attacked the church’s founder Barney Jones, who is also known as Master Jonba Hehol. Weapon of choice? What else: a crutch. Master Hehol’s cousin, Master Mormi Hehol, was attacked too; and the whole thing was caught on tape because they were getting ready to film a light saber battle in the churchyard. Yes, I’ll be searching YouTube, too.

Hughes claims not to remember anything due to the fact he’d downed 2.5 gallons of wine beforehand. That’s a pity; but I think I’d be claiming temporary memory loss, too. Still, to be that drunk and still be able to beat the crap out of 2 Jedis; that’s pretty impressive. Note: if a drunk Welshman can kick your ass, you’re probably not a real Jedi. 

Six of the seven California Supreme Court Justices are Republican appointees. Yet, the court made the right decision, and that’s awesome. It’s a landmark, and the bitter bitches that are waving their stupid “save straight marriage” signs can all got to hell. 

This old and tired argument that gay marriage hurts straight marriage needs to be put to rest; yes, the heteros aren’t doing so well, but that’s not a consequence of anybody being gay, nor is it the real reason people are against gay marriage. The reason people are homophobic is because it makes them feel more secure about their own lives.

I haven’t paid the rent on the trailer, and I have six kids from fifteen different fathers; my truck broke down and I can’t find my Bedazzler anywhere; but holy shit, at least I’m not gay! Hallelujah! Now, let’s go drive around with a case of beer on the back seat and drink until we forget our troubles…

I just know that’s what Tony Perkins does in his spare time. I hope he cries himself to sleep tonight. Family Research Council my ass.

Song Bush was humming after his speech today: “It’s my White House and I’ll lie if I want to”. Seriously, what are the speechwriters thinking? Oh, we’re in Israel, Israel means Jews, and Jews shit their pants when you invoke Hitler’s name?

As a matter of fact, we don’t. George must not have heard about Telushkin’s 614^th commandment: “Thou shalt not grant Hitler any posthumous victories”. That includes not letting anyone bully us into turning our backs on Obama. What, did you think we’d roll over and play ball when faced with your stupid propaganda? Besides, if the Nazis had had their way, there would not be anybody like Obama on the planet.

Thanks; Bush, for trying to score a victory over the backs of six million victims. Asshole. But we’re not falling for it.  As if we needed any additional reminders that George Bush is the biggest wanker to ever have walked the capitol. If I were McCain, I’d place a phone call to George and tell him to shut up. On second thought: keep it up. We can use an easy victory in November. Then we can pull the troops out of Iraq and use the money for all the collective therapy we’ll need to forget about the past eight damn years.

Say it loud and say it proud: Jews for Obama! 

Don’t know what to do this summer? Tired of the same old hotel by the seashore? Need an alternative to Disneyland? Try Iceland this year! To be honest, my cousin made a stopover in Reykjavik on his way from Amsterdam to Ontario, and said it sucked. Obviously, he chose the wrong city; he should have gone to Husavik instead. There, he would have found the (drum roll please) Penis Museum! Really!

Its owner and caretaker is Sigurdur Hjartarson, and he has been collecting penises for many years. It all started with a bull’s penis he got his hands on in 1974; Hjartarson currently owns 261 specimens, ranging from sperm whale (154 lbs!) to hamster. And yes, the latter needs to be viewed through a magnifying glass, which may seem funny to us, but most likely causes the female hamster to sigh with relief.

Besides penises, Hjartarson also displays some related “folklore” items. The museum welcomed 6,000 visitors last year, although not all left happy: two elderly women from, where else, Germany, came in a while ago and after viewing the exhibit, they scolded the owner for displaying a group of figurines in Kama Sutra poses.

I guess after seeing over 200 penises, they just couldn’t take anymore. Still, if you’re uptight enough to complain about the Kama Sutra, why would you go to the Phallological Museum in the first place?

And that’s saying a lot. Just thought I’d share.

From:   mark_larson16@orange.net

Subject: Dear friend,

Date: May 15, 2008 8:32:39 AM CDT

Reply-To:   mark_larson16@orange.net

Dear friend,

This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pains.

(That’s not true. You want to steal my money. Hence: you want to cause me “pains”.)

My name is Mr. Mark Larson, a merchant in London, but taking treatment in Dubai, in the U.A.E. now I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal cancer that was discovered very late due to lack of caring for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now,I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts.

(Boohoo, your cancer has “defiled” all medicine? What, did it shit on your pills?))

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. Recently, I use to say to my self that if God should give me a second chance I would have live it differently way from how I have lived.

(Dude, could your grammar get any worse?)

I was meditating on my hospital bed and something told me that God is giving me a second chance by keeping me alive though doctors said I won’t last long. I know my time is near, that’s why I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as some few close friends. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want thisto be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

(Alms? Are you kidding me?)

So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, London and Ireland. And I have also met two people on the net who have helped me distribute money to charity organizations in their country. Now my health is deteriorating so badly, I really need you to help me distribute the last of my fortune. You might be wondering why I did not ask my close relatives to pick over this task.

(Yeah, I was; I’m so interested in your long and boring explanations, I could just die!)

But I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and donate the money, which I have there to charity organizations in Bulgaria ; they closed the account but refused to donate the money to the organizations, some of them even fled away with some of the money while the rest shared the remaining among money among themselves. From the way they are acting around me tells that they want me dead so that they can talk about inheritance.

(Of course they want you dead. You’re not even real, and they still want you dead.) 

Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be content with what I have left for them. The last of my money which is a huge cash deposit that I have with a security firm abroad will be put in your care if only you will agree. I want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations and let them know that it is I Mark Larson that is making this generous donation. I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. I pray for you to support and assist me with a good heart. But the choice is yours Please you can contact me through this email address:

(…)

Be blessed my beloved, Mark Larson.

(My beloved? You’re joking, right? Shut up!)