Fun With Play-Dough

Does anybody know who Gwen Jackson is? No, me neither. Until I saw a little story about this Criminal Defense Attorney who is concerned about how Obama is portrayed on SNL. Because, you know, Fred Armisen is not half Kenyan and half Midwest-white; no, he’s Venezuelan and Japanese. Oh, the horror! How dare Lorne Michaels not hire a comedian who is of the exact same ethnicity as Obama! Feh! From now on, Armisen should only be allowed to play Venezupanese characters. Pretending to be black just confuses people.

I guess she never saw Darryl Hammond impersonate Jesse Jackson; but then, he’s only done it, like, 5,000 times.

A sad story: Hedviga Golik of Zagreb, Croatia, was found dead in her flat after 35 years. Her neighbors had never really bothered with her, and apparently broke in because they wanted to claim her apartment for themselves. When they found a mummy instead of a live Hedviga, they called the cops. So, tell me this: why didn’t they lie? Why admit they were breaking in to get the apartment? I would have lied and told the police I was concerned that my neighbor was missing; that way, you’d look like a hero instead of an asshole.

I bet they killed her and waited for someone to find her, and when that didn’t happen, they got tired of it. Still; 35 years is a bit long.

Dit zijn foto’s van de vulkaan uitbarsting in Chili. Het is natuurlijk erg voor de mensen en dieren daar, maar wat een gezicht he? 

“We’re looking for a baby monkey to love and spoil,” wrote one woman from Orlando, Florida, on an electronic bulletin board. “We are unable to have anymore children and have a void in our hearts. We need a baby to love!”

And:

Lingerie maker Triumph unveiled its newest creation: a solar power bra. The solar panel is attached; you wear it around your stomach. I’m all for solar power; really, I am. But I imagine there are better ways to charge your cell phone than by wearing a freaking corset. Oh, and by the way, if you wear clothes over it, it won’t work. Hm.

Found on the website of the Hawaii Cannabis Ministry:

Cultivation and enjoyment of Cannabis sacrament is a fundamental human right provided by God and protected by the first Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. It is our opinion that Cannabis is the original sacrament of Hebrew, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Shinto, Buddhist, Rasta and more, and fulfills the prophesies to ‘raise up for them a plant of renown…’

Listen, dipshit, for the last time: we’re not called “Hebrew”. Hebrew is a language. Moron.

 And then there’s this….

That’s right; bottle openers made from kangaroo scrotums. Don’t ask.

Apparently, it is now officially okay for Catholics to believe in Aliens. According to the Vatican’s chief astronomer, Funes, it’s likely there are beings “out there”, maybe more evolved than us. And to think that it took the church until 1992 to rehabilitate Galileo for saying the earth wasn’t flat…now, suddenly, aliens are acceptable? What’s next, a mission outpost on Mars? I think the church is thinking, membership is down, we need to consider our options. Or maybe it’s one big publicity stunt for the new X-files movie.

In case anybody still thinks it’s a great idea to leave a car unlocked and running, an eight-year-old Michigan boy snuck out of his house, found the car, and drove it in reverse for a couple of blocks. He then caused a three-vehicle crash; when the police arrived, he was crying. A little late, if you ask me.

My favorite new words, courtesy of Unwords.com:

Ignoranus: (ĭg’nə-rā’nəs) 1. (n.) A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.  Submitted by: Anonymous.

Abacus (ə-bāk’əs)  a. (v.) The process of baking an item for a person or group.
Example: Hey guys, are you hungry? Abacus some pie!