When Yard Ornaments Complain

Sooo…Patty, you bought me as a present; I get that. Really, I do. 

However, there are a few things I need to discuss with you. First of all, that woman pretended to like me, and then proceeded to tie me to the fence with wire, which, I hate to tell you, is about as comfortable as a castration without drugs. Second, that little boy, the one everybody lovingly calls “Kleine Mendel” keeps yanking on my tail. It hurts. If he doesn’t knock it off soon, I might have to strangle him. Don’t want you to be surprised.

Now, these things I can more or less live with; it’s not ideal, but okay. I realize I don’t have much choice. But there is one issue that is simply unacceptable, and that is the presence of two (!) other cats; arrogant, stuck-up little bitches that think they’re better than me just because they’re made of flesh and blood. A little too much flesh in case of the red one, if you ask me; they refuse to talk to me, they ignore me and have pretty much let me know I don’t belong. Yard-ornament discrimination is what it is, and if there’s no law against that, there damn well should be.

By the way, that stupid bird house hasn’t attracted one single bird, and nobody is feeding me. I’m so upset; I’m totally verklempt.

Just thought I’d let you know how things are going. Not that you care.