Does This Thong Make My Head Look Fat?

If you’ve ever wondered what a cockatoo without feathers looks like 
(who hasn’t?) then today is your lucky day. This here is Oscar. Oscar has lived at the Humane Society for 12 years, and suffers from a disease that causes her feathers to grow deformed, so she plucks them out. Not pretty, no.

Police in Arvada, Co. are looking for two suspects that committed a robbery at a convenience store wearing thongs as masks.  As far as weird news goes, that’s all well and good, but I’d like to see a picture. The authorities supposedly have some footage from a security camera; why not share? I’d like to see this for myself.  Somebody might recognize those thongs. Who’s to say they didn’t steal them from somebody’s bedroom drawer?

Note: I found the picture later: very unattractive, if you ask me. I don’t know which is the bigger crime: the robbery itself, or the way they look:

 

50-year-old Paul Krueger, formerly of Louderton, Pa., conned 13 different women by posing as a studio mogul. Total take: upwards of $100,000. The good part of the story is that Krueger is homeless and only owns a laptop, which he used to “advertise” online. Only one woman notified the police; all the others were apparently too embarrassed they fell for Krueger’s scheme.

Never buy anything online. Unless it’s from Amazon; in that case, click away.

 

When authorities in Hughes, Arkansas found a soda vending machine, sitting by itself in a front yard, they followed the dolly tracks all the way back to the liquor store from which the machine was swiped. One of the thieves made a run for it; the other was arrested. Since there are only 1800 people in the town of Hughes, it shouldn’t take police long to catch the other one. 

 

Robbers and Thieves

With gas prices continuing to rise (18 cents yesterday in Omaha!) of course, people are starting to look for relief. Some pumps are too old to handle it all, and have started to advertise “half gallon prices” because the pumps can’t display anything over $4. So watch out when you see $2 gas; if it sounds that good, it probably isn’t.

 

The Tic Toc Market convenience store in Hermitage, Pa. found itself missing about $4500 worth of gas. It was a mystery; until authorities located a specially equipped pick up truck with a trapdoor and vacuum hose in North Bloomfield, Ohio. The trapdoor was hidden under some loose straw. The property where the truck was found also contained several gas storage tanks, which answers the question: where do you put that much stolen gas? I wonder if they obtained the design for that special truck on YouTube, where people have begun to post little movies that show you exactly how to steal other people’s gas.

 

Meanwhile, it just doesn’t stop with all the nude criminals these days. What the hell is going on? Another one was caught this week, in Lumberton, North Carolina. Police found 31-year-old Jonathan Michael Allen running down a State Highway. He faces multiple charges of breaking and entering; he has allegedly stolen and sold about $85,000 worth of stuff to fund his drug habit. And yes he was stark naked; it’s becoming repetitive. What is this, some kind of new trend? Do these criminals think they can run faster without clothes? According to authorities in Lumberton, he “wasn’t even wearing socks.”

What, socks would have improved the situation?

“I know, your Honor, he is a burglar and a drug addict, but at least he was wearing socks!”

Really.

 

Wherefore Art Thou Naked on My Balcony, Romeo?

A 42-year-old man was caught breaking and entering a tenth floor apartment in Ann Arbor, Michigan. University of Michigan campus police received a call from the apartment’s resident around 1:30 am Wednesday. The burglar had gotten in via the balcony’s glass doors, and police are wondering how he got onto the balcony in the first place. That, however, isn’t the biggest question right now: the man, who is being held for psychiatric evaluation, was completely naked and dripping wet.