Another Wicked Child

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first child in September. I must say, it’s very nice to wait for someone else’s baby to arrive; not to even speak of the fact that I’m enjoying the idea of my brother finding out for himself how weird our genes are. My own children are lovely, but a bit wicked. I have no doubt his will be the same.

The hardest part about this “sideline pregnancy” is the urge to give advice. I’ve been through it all, I have been a mom for almost seven years; I know everything. Of course, in reality I know and understand absolutely nothing, but that doesn’t squelch the tendency to tell the expectant parents what to do, what to feel, what to look forward to.

In order to avoid driving them crazy and becoming the least favorite family member within three weeks after conception, I’ve promised myself I will not call them every single day. Also, I will not share too many annoying stories about my own children; after all, they might still be hoping for one that’s totally sweet and pliable. A child that listens, and says ‘please’ and ‘thank’ you all the time. A child that doesn’t put hand soap in his hair five minutes after his bath, because he wants to wash his hair again. A child that doesn’t draw on every wall, or peels off all the wallpaper. A child that is asleep by seven every night, and doesn’t wake up until you’ve had your first cup of coffee in the morning. A child that is potty trained at two years of age. A child that wipes and flushes and washes his hands every single time. In short, a child that behaves.

They must be sort of like Wolverines: in spite of the fact that I’ve never met one, I know they exist. I wish my brother could have one of these good children, from the bottom of my heart, truly, I do.

Unfortunately, I just don’t think it’s in the cards. That’s okay; even if your children are unbelievably naughty, you can still love them very much. There are also many ways to justify the bad behavior, as in “I know she seems naughty, but she’s just really creative! How else did she think of (fill in the blank)” or “No, my child doesn’t play with other kids well, but from what I’ve read, neither did Mozart.”

Don’t laugh; this is the way of thinking that has saved many a parent from despair. It’s the unwritten rule of parenting: revise, revise, revise. I have no doubt my brother and sister-in-law will become masters at it, because their child will be every bit as naughty, creative, and intriguing as mine. The only question is, will it be as cute?

PS yes, that’s a picture of my son.