In the Event You Are Having a Boy

You went for that check-up and found out the gender of your baby; congratulations, you can finally decide on a name and finalize the décor in the nursery.  In case you are having a boy, there are certain things to consider.

 

This is a good time to take a closer look at your homeowners insurance; also, if you own any glass tables, get rid of them now. You can’t have those around boys, whether they’re two, or seventeen years old.

 

One big advantage: no need to worry anymore about decorating the baby room; paint the walls blue and call it good. More is not required, since pretty things will be destroyed as soon as baby can walk. You might want to put some pillows on the floor; boys will climb on anything, and can scale walls with their bare hands. They’ll need something soft to fall on.

 

Find all things that are remotely stick shaped (brooms, snow shovels, curtain rods, you name it) and lock them in the garage. If you own a baseball bat, take it to goodwill. Little boys will sense it if there’s a bat hiding somewhere and break down the door to get to it. Then they will use it to go after either the fish tank, or your head.

 

Wet wipes need to be everywhere, not just next to the changing table. Keep them at your desk, in the kitchen, the basement, and the living room; keep them in your car, your dining room, anywhere baby will go. You’ll use them five times as much if your baby is male; at the age of five, it sort of evens out.

 

Take boxing lessons; it’s a handy way to learn self defense, which mostly consists of being fast on your feet. You need to know how to duck, or you will get punched and have your hair pulled constantly.

 

Boys like a place to hide; maybe it’s that caveman-thing. They want something that roughly resembles a fort; sometimes a sheet thrown over the dining room table is enough. Once inside their ‘fort’, they don’t do anything exciting or secretive, although they’d like us to believe they do. Mostly they just sit there. Hiding. Thinking about god-knows-what.

 

Boys instinctively know how to kick a soccer ball smack in the middle of the flowerbed that you just planted yesterday. They never miss.

 

Boys will not potty-train unless you threaten to throw away their favorite toy; don’t wait too long with that. A twelve-year-old who still needs a diaper is unattractive and won’t have any friends. You want him to make friends; it guarantees he will be out of your hair at least part of the time.

 

Boys will laugh hysterically when they burp or pass gas; it’s genetic. They miss that oh-so important extra X-chromosome; you guessed it, the chromosome that holds the key to manners, shopping, and the ability to pick up your dirty socks and place them in a hamper.