The political news has been a bit boring this week. All this talk about running a clean campaign is getting tiresome and old; we want scandal! Please, give us something fun to talk about? Here are some suggestions of things that could happen…
- Anderson Cooper will steal Cindy McCain’s personal stylist and start hosting 360 in very classy, very expensive, drag. He will simultaneously replace Erica Hill with Carson Kressley. Wolf Blitzer will follow suit; there will be a very nasty incident involving crotchless panties and apricot jam.
- Erica Hill will be devastated; she will then find out she has inherited a fortune from an unknown relative, buy out Rupert Murdoch, and kick Fox News into shape. Intelligent people will start watching again.
- Because of a scheduling mix-up, supporters for Ron Paul that haven’t realized he’s quit the race, accidentally show up at a Clinton rally. A big riot will ensue; Clinton supporters will win. All forty-five Paul supporters will be arrested for fighting dirty.
- Ted Kennedy loses his patience and personally takes George Bush into a White House bathroom to show him why he should not have vetoed that ban on water boarding. George will see the light, and make the first intelligent decision of his Presidency. Upon hearing the news, Nancy Pelosi will have a very minor heart attack.
- Paparazzi will photograph Condoleeza Rice at a private beach party; her low-cut bathing suit will reveal the fact that she has “George, I’m your Bitch” tattooed on her left butt cheek.
- News will come out about Samantha Power’s secret affair with Karl Rove. They’ll both deny it.
- Barbara Walters will announce she’s joining the race. Gary Busey will be her running mate.
- The Democratic Party takes a secret vote and decides to forgive Michigan; Florida will be asked to secede. Charlie Crist asks the Republican Party to help, but they decline. He then makes a heart felt plea on television, directed at Bush, but the President is still hurting from Kennedy’s attack and doesn’t respond. Plans are made to build a ten-foot fence to stop Florida residents from entering the United States.
On another note, if you want to lie awake all night: here is something disturbing to think about:
My home state of Nebraska is mentioned…I’m very ashamed.
