Fun With Play-Dough

It’s hard for a man to meet a pregnant woman, especially when she’s in her last trimester, and not talk about the obvious. Unfortunately, people forget: you may run in to her at the supermarket and talk with her for ten minutes, but she’s pregnant 24/7. That means she would probably love to talk about something else for a change. Imagine the pregnant woman at a party, where guest after guest asks her the same damn questions, over and over, until she is ready to break her water right then and there.  If you find yourself faced with her, and she suddenly runs for the bathroom, you might be tempted to think, Oh, small bladder.

Maybe you’re right, and she really does need to pee; maybe it’s just that your conversation skills suck. It’s helpful to learn how to avoid this; you don’t want to make a pregnant woman mad. Trust me, I have been a pregnant woman several times, I know. We get mad easily and we hold grudges.

To help pregnant women everywhere, and for the men that have to talk to them, here are some pointers.

• Don’t, under any circumstances, use the word “water melon”. It’s old, it’s tired; just don’t do it.
• Don’t ask when she’s due, whether she knows what it’s going to be (it’s going to be a baby, okay?) or whether she already has a name.  Saying a baby’s name out loud in public, before it’s born, is bad luck.
• Don’t talk about any nasty, horrible experiences your niece from Baltimore had when she gave birth to twins and was in labor for three weeks. Nobody who is about to go into labor herself wants to hear that.
• If there is no father in plain sight, don’t ask whether she’s married. It’s none of your business.
• Don’t start the abortion argument. Please, not now.
• Don’t say things like “You’re going to be fine, dear.” How do you know?
• Ask other things, that let her know she still has a brain and other people notice; talk about what you saw on the news, politics, a good television show you saw; anything.
• Don’t ask to touch her belly. Would you ask a non-pregnant woman if you could touch her belly? Well then. Get a grip, you pervert, and keep your hands to yourself.
• A neutral “How are you?” is okay.
• Don’t ask if she swings. It’s 2008, for god’s sake.
• Don’t ask her out on a date.
• Don’t stare at her boobs. She knows they’re big. She has a mirror. She’s pregnant, not stupid.
• If she wants to discuss her mucus plug, she gets to discuss her mucus plug.

If there are a lot of pregnant women at your place of work, it might be useful to learn these rules by heart. Otherwise, you can print and keep the list in your wallet. That way, if you run into one, you just hide in the bathroom, and give it a quick glance. Oh, and one last thing: unless you want to get punched, don’t call her Hot Mama.