Fun With Play-Dough

Recently, the Spam is out of control.  I wish the government would do something about that.  They offer me a bigger penis on a daily basis (I am a woman, so this would involve much more than a few pills, believe me) and apparently, drugs like Viagra and Cialis should now come from Germany. Ficken wie ein Weltmeister? My inbox asks me; I sort of want to yell back, Nein! and I hit the delete button, again. And again. And -you guessed it- again.

This week, I won the lottery nine times, in London, Spain, and Italy; then there was that vague email from Hong Kong that promised me millions of dollars in bad English.  I also received a letter from somebody pretending to be a banker, letting me know that some vague relative had died in a car wreck and left me fifty million Pounds.

Well. If only.

Still, that’s what the trash bucket is for, and I use it freely.

Most annoying are the ones that try to hook me up.  First of all, I’m married with two kids, so I don’t have time for a boyfriend. I barely have time to sleep. Then, their market research is poor at best; it all started with the Christian Singles-ads, and I’m Jewish. If I were single and dumb enough to look for love at a spam-site, it wouldn’t be there. Then, they changed: suddenly I started receiving ads that promised me Hot Asian Singles! In My Neighborhood!  When I didn’t respond to those either, they tried Black and Hispanic. 

The Jewish and white and mixed-race dating sites must be slacking. Not to speak of the Native Americans, the Kazakhstani, the Russians, and the Muslim sites.  Come on, guys, join the party!

Has anybody ever noticed that the E-harmony commercials never show interracial dating? You see a black couple, a white couple, maybe an Asian couple…but you never see s Black woman laying a nice sloppy kiss on a Chinese man.  E-harmony, indeed.

You say Potatoe, I say Potato…

With McCain looking for a Vice Presidential candidate, we’re in for weeks, if not months, of gossip, debate, and guesswork. Who will it be?

Since McCain has –so far- kept his mouth firmly shut on the issue, the list of potentials is long. More than two dozen names have been floating around. Huckabee, Giuliani, Thompson, and Romney are all on it, although I very much doubt that anyone is still taking Thompson seriously. (If you are, sorry; didn’t mean to hurt your feelings). Joe Lieberman is on the list, and so is Jeb Bush. None of these make McCain look any more appealing; not even Lieberman can get me excited, and I would love to see a Jewish American in office-it’s about time. Especially one that’s actually a Democrat. Or is he? I don’t know anymore.

What the list is missing is somebody we can all get excited about; the Repu’s because they like him, the Democrats because we see an opportunity for some good old-fashioned bashing.

I don’t want to freak anyone out, but I was just wondering: what happened to Dan Quayle? Is he available? So I checked what Wiki had to say about him:

• Dan Quayle has a second home in the ultra-exclusive Yellowstone Club, a Rocky Mountain ski and golf club located just north of Yellowstone National Park in Montana. Lots at the club cost in range of $2 million to $10 million; about 85 houses are built there and cost from $3 million to $10 million; annual dues are $16,000.
• He’s written a memoir: Standing Firm, which apparently became a best seller (how?)
• Quayle also writes a nationally syndicated newspaper column, serves on a number of corporate boards, chairs several business ventures, and was chairman of Campaign America, a national political action committee. He is chairman of the international advisory board of Cerberus Capital Management. (I’m sorry, that so reminds me of X-Men)

In short, he’s done well for himself. Yet, something remains missing, and I wonder: when he kicks off his boots at his sprawling mountain lodge, does he think about the White House? Does he dream about confetti and balloons? Does he still think he’s Jack Kennedy? Does he imagine coming back, victoriously, proving to all of America that he magically turned into someone smart? Is he watching these primaries, softly humming to himself, if I only had a brain? You know, weirder things have happened.

(Separate issue: which song sticks in your head worse, the potato song, or the scarecrow? I want to know!)

So will they, or won’t they?

A combined campaign, touting both Hillary’s and Obama’s names, “may be where we are headed” according to Clinton.  Most reporters agree that Obama isn’t quite as eager to invite her to take the VP spot, would he win the primary.  This doesn’t seem very nice; if someone invites you to a party, you’re supposed to return the favor. If someone sends you a birthday card, you send one back. Those are the rules. If Obama would come out with the same message, and promise us all that he would contemplate accepting Hillary on his team, we’d all sleep a lot better.

I still want that double ticket.

So, what’s next for Huckabee?

There were two things wrong with his concession speech last night.

1. It was much, much too long. His wife, poor soul, looked like she was about ready to cry, and as happy as I am to have him out of the race, I truly felt sorry for her. Shut up already! I wanted to say, can’t you see the look on her face? Let her go home, have a nice long bath, take a nap.
2. The whole damn thing sounded like a job interview. And then it dawned on me: he wants to be Vice. Great. And here I thought we were finally rid of him. Will it never end?

I enjoyed seeing McCain and Bush attempting to appear all lovey-dovey on the White House steps. Who are they kidding? First of all, Bush was nowhere to be seen during McCain’s primary run; second, we all know they hate each other. However, having McCain associate himself with George may be a good thing for the democrats. It’s probably a side effect of the confusion he’s feeling: who am I supposed to go after? Hillary or Obama, Obama or Hillary? Damn it, if only someone would tell me!

Democrats, take your time.