Fun With Play-Dough

It’s almost over…or is it?

I have the feeling that we’re stuck with the Clinton/Obama rivalry for a while and I am rethinking my opinion about wanting them both.  It’s hard at times to not get sick of them, although I think primary fatigue, as it’s now known, might subside if we can just cut down the field. That means the primary needs to be over already, and the Florida Governor needs to keep his mouth shut about having a recount. What’s wrong with you? What, you’re addicted to recounts now? Should have had your primary when you were supposed to; you’re like the kid that eats his cake a day early and then complains that his birthday party sucks.

Meanwhile, I promised myself to not think about, write about, or talk about Nader.  Apparently the press has decided to do the same. Apart from the announcement of his running mate, there has been a blue-balling the likes of which I’ve never seen.  I guess any coverage of him would cut into CNN’s Saturday Night Live repeats, and that wouldn’t be good.

McCain has gotten on this whole “who answers the phone at 3 am in the morning” train, and I wonder: why would we want anyone to answer the phone at that ungodly hour? I’d say, let it ring; if you don’t have the decency to check the time zones before you do something bad to us, you don’t deserve our attention.  Plus, sticking our heads in the sand when bad things come our way is a great strategy; it’s worked for the current administration.

By the way, why the hell is Huckabee still here? Enough already! We don’t want you!  

Fun with Pregnancy: The Doctor’s Office

One side effect of each and every pregnancy is that you have to make several appointments with the obgyn. If you think these visits with your doctor are going to be fun, think again.

They can only be scheduled on days that are most inconvenient, and you spend more time sitting around the waiting room than being examined.  The ratio is approximately one hour of waiting to five minutes of examination.  Unfortunately, these visits aren’t optional; you have to go. What makes the waiting so bad is not that it’s boring (bring a book) or that you should be in a meeting (be honest, you don’t care about the meeting). The bad thing is there are other pregnant women in that waiting room, because they are:

• More knowledgeable
• More on schedule
• Healthier
• Further along

Some of them tell horror stories about ‘cousin so-and-so’ who had a baby with two heads and a clubfoot. Others ask annoying questions, even though they should know better. “Is this your first?” they’ll say, and if you nod, yes, you’re a first timer; they will give you that condescending smile.

“It’s my third, I’m an old hat at this,” they’ll say, letting you know that they are wildly superior and know all the answers to the things that keep you awake at night.

It’s irritating.  They won’t actually give you any answers; just dirty looks, especially if you bring your espresso from the car. That’s because they know that, while you haven’t given birth yet, you can still do things like shop, read, work, and go to the movies, because you have no other children at home.

It’s imperative to avoid talking to these women; here’s what you can do. Find some Russian magazines or books and pretend to read them. If anyone addresses you anyway, give them a confused look. Make sure nobody there actually speaks Russian, which is easy; most people in waiting rooms talk very loud.

You can also bring your laptop and look busy and annoyed. I saw one woman talking on her cell phone constantly while juggling her pee cup in her other hand; I just know she asked her friends and relatives beforehand to call her at two-minute intervals.

Another thing you can do is wear expensive designer clothes; it’ll cost you, but it’s worth it.  The other women will instantly hate you and refuse to speak with you. They’ll gossip about you afterwards, but that’s okay: you’ll be long gone by then, and they can stuff their mumu’s where the sun don’t shine.

If, after all this effort, any of the other women still insist on talking to you, you can reply:

“Oh, no, I’m not pregnant, I’m just here for my Gonorrhea check up.”

They’ll leave you alone after that.

This only works if you’re not showing yet. If you are, you can look insulted and say: “What, pregnant, me? I’m just fat, but thanks for pointing that out.” Then you run to the bathroom (you had to go anyway, it’s been ten minutes) and don’t come out until it’s time for your appointment.