Fun With Play-Dough

At some point during pregnancy, every body part hurts; even your hair. Often, many parts hurt at the same time.  Of the approximately five million reasons for this, I’ve highlighted a few:

• It prepares you for the time your baby turns into a teenager. They will talk back, refuse to follow instructions, do everything in their power to rebel, and yell at you when you so much as interfere with their choice of jelly.  It doesn’t matter; by then you will be completely numb inside because you will still remember how much you suffered during those nine months.  Compared to an episiotomy, dealing with teen angst is like going to the circus. A boring circus.
• The pain will serve as a constant reminder to keep the father on a shorter leash; after all, he is the one that caused this mess.  Why should he have to go to the bar more than once a month? Why does he need to buy anything for himself? What do you mean, golf? Who needs golf? Why should you do stuff around the house, when he is perfectly healthy?  And if this is not your first baby, why can’t he take care of the other kids while you swoon on the sofa?
• Some people think pain is there to prepare you for labor; this is incorrect. Nothing prepares you for labor.  Only having been in labor before might give you some answers, and even then. The list of labor signs that every pregnancy book seems to include is always notoriously vague, and they -without exception- add a disclaimer that it’s different for every woman. Big fat help, that.
• Compared to pregnancy aches, your monthly cycle will almost seem like fun. Once it goes back to normal, that is.
• If you have one of those aggressive boy babies, the kind that start beating the crap out of you by the time they are 3, you can work on increasing your tolerance for pain now.
• It prepares you for some serious hurting at the gym, which is necessary for getting your old body back. Don’t think you can fix it by breastfeeding alone.

Bitter? What on earth are you talking about? I’m not bitter.