There are many misconceptions about pregnancy in America; maybe the biggest one is that “pregnant women should be happy, content, and –god help us- enjoy being pregnant”.
What is this nonsense? We all know that pregnant women are first-class nags; we just don’t admit it in public. What we enjoy is not the pregnancy itself, but complaining about it; aches and pains, our husbands, the mailman, our in-laws, global warming, the newspaper, the doctor, they all are sitting ducks.
The world of pregnant women is divided into two groups. The first group complains incessantly; the second group pretends to be happy all the time. I have never met anybody belonging to the second group, and so we’ll ignore them for now. I think a pregnant woman who never complains must be really unhappy, and probably builds up resentment and then ends up taking all those unresolved feelings out on their children anyway. Not good.
A favorite source for annoyance is people referred to as They. We all know who they are,
The list includes, but is not limited to:
- Neighbors that listen to loud music
- The Olson Twins
- The people across the street that mow their lawn at 7 am
- People that don’t get out of their seat on a crowded bus.
- People that don’t get out of their seat on a nearly empty bus (I know there are other seats, but I wanted to sit in that one!)
- People that drink and don’t offer you anything
- People that wear tight belts or mini skirts
- People that drive better cars
- People that have more expensive clothes
- People that can go for an hour without having to use the restroom
- People that are thinner and have more fun
- And, last but not least, people without children- like we’ll ever take them seriously again.
I don’t think anyone needs to feel in the least guilty about nagging. After all, you’re building a whole person, so bitch away. You are going to have to squeeze that parasite out of you someday, and it will hurt. A little reward in the form of being able to say what you want, when you want, is justified. We’ll call it ‘Free Speech on Steroids’.
Here’s another myth: “baby showers are fun, and they are not just for free stuff”.
Of course they are not fun, and of course they are only for free stuff. How many times can you say “Oh, how cute!” without hacking up your breakfast; does anybody actually enjoy the stupid games where other –thinner- women guess how big you are?
Ask yourself how badly you need someone else to pay for that diaper genie, and whether it’s worth it to lose a few friends over skipping the entire party. Of course, you may have deluded yourself into thinking you actually want that shower; if so, go ahead and enjoy.
If you can’t get out of this without causing a family rift, there are ways to ensure it’s at least short. Put ex-lax in the bean dip, or play your most obnoxious cd and claim it calms the baby. Pay a friend to act drunk and offensive. Pretend to go into labor. Put an excessive amount of scented candles in every room; tell them it’s to cover up the fact that kitty has peed in every chair this week, and voila, no one will want to sit down.
Here’s a good one: “your boss will be happy for you”.
Wrong. You boss is legally required to be happy for you. If he or she doesn’t convince you that your pregnancy is the absolute best thing that ever happened, you can sue. You can rest assured that your boss will do everything in his or her power to appear sensitive and supportive. Everybody in America lives in fear of a lawsuit; it’s like the medieval scare techniques of the church. “Burn in Hell” has been replaced by “See you in court”, but the concept remains the same.
The fourth myth is one that many family members, friends, and complete strangers will share with you: “This is the most wonderful time of your life.”
They said the same thing at your high school graduation, when you went to college, and at your wedding. At your High school graduation you practically fell asleep, in college you drank too much, and your wedding…forget about it. Not a good track record. You should assume that, since those people lied to you then, they are probably lying to you now. The question is, why? I haven’t found a satisfying answer; I think the only explanation is that people simply repeat what they’ve heard all their lives. They hear this nonsense at the movies, from their parents, or they read it on the back of a cereal box, who knows?
One dangerous myth has to do with traffic. Cars do not stop for you, even if you are in the middle of labor and baby is practically crowning. This is particularly true for busy parking lots; people are either too blind to notice, or they have been searching for two hours to find that perfect parking spot and they are willing to kill for it. Some people just don’t like babies, or are sensitive about overpopulation, so watch your step. The supermarket cart is equally risky; you stick out your belly and hope other shoppers will maneuver around you. They won’t; they will bump into you with great force, even if they have to go out of their way to do it. Don’t worry; you will have your revenge once you have your baby in a stroller. You can go straight for the ankles. And remember: a well-positioned stroller is a great alternative to keying a car.
