Fun with Pregnancy: What Not to Eat When Pregnant

Disclaimer for the two people among you that are incapable of telling the difference between fact and fiction: these are jokes…there is no actual medical advice here. (Yes, this used to be at the bottom, but I moved it to the top, since I keep running into people who just don’t understand it’s all a big joke…I guess there’s more than two)

It doesn’t matter what you eat, when, or how often; whether the portions are large or small, whether it was bought at MacDisgusting or prepared by a world-renowned chef.

The truth is: you will throw up. End of story, good night, thank you very much.

 

So, what does baby live on? Most children are, in essence, parasites; this starts in the womb, and continues until they finish grad school.  You might as well get used to it now.

Children consume your intestines, your spleen, and part of your liver; they eat one kidney, one lung, and a serious section of your stomach. Don’t worry, it will all grow back after you give birth.  Disgusting, yes? It prepares them for those wonderful jars of baby food.  After all, every annoying thing in pregnancy has a purpose.

 

What you should focus on, while pregnant, is which foods are the worst to throw up. It’s not just important whether it’s pleasant going down; how it feels when coming up is just as much of an issue.

 

Things to avoid:

• Rice
• Peanut butter sandwiches (esp. on whole wheat)
• Any type of pizza
• Meat
• Fish
• Fruit and fruit juices
• Pasta, and other grain products
• Tomatoes
• French fries
• Chocolate
• Cookies
• Anything with salt
• Dairy products
• Eggs
• Gelatin
• Caffeine
• Lettuce
• Cucumber
• All other vegetables
• Legumes

 

What, you say, there is nothing left? I know. It sucks, doesn’t it? You can still drink water, and every pregnancy book agrees with me that drinking plenty of water is good for pregnant women.  On the other hand, since you’ll be vomiting everything up anyway, you might as well cut loose. Just remember to take your folic acid every day.