When I was eight months pregnant, my father wanted to know if I had changed my mind yet. We both agreed it was probably too late for that. However, every pregnant woman has days when she wishes she could turn back the clock, and cancel the whole deal. Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Often, this happens when you visit the mall and are confronted with other people’s children; horrible, ugly, and irritating, they are everywhere, and they can’t be avoided unless one becomes a total recluse. My advice: don’t stare. These are not your children, some other sucker has to deal with them, and your own child will be likeable, pretty, and smart.
Also, many of these horrid children are child-actors, hired by the Secret Society for Population Control. Planted in toy stores, fast food restaurants, and theme parks everywhere, they are supposed to make you think that you’ll never, ever, want one. For many years, this worked, but now you’re over thirty and you’ve decided you want to procreate after all. Just keep in mind that your child will be real, not an actor, and for the first four years of its life, you can more or less control its behavior.
Also, you are not expected to suddenly love all children just because your hormones are acting up. People often act as if children are all made from the same mold; this is nonsense. People are different, and the same goes for kids. Do you love all your grown relatives? That horrible aunt that always talks about Satan, that uncle that will try to cop a feel every time, they were kids once too. They didn’t go nuts from one minute to the next, they were most likely annoying from the get go. Not all children are adorable, and you don’t need to feel guilty when you visit your local supermarket and want to lock one of every three children in the freezer.
Another reason you may want to change your mind is the fact that you’re feeling sick most of the time. It’s a valid point; who needs all these stupid side effects? Vomiting, dizzy spells, heart burn, gaining inordinate amounts of weight, backaches, water retention, hot flashes, weak bladder, the list goes on and on. But then, you’ll feel the same way watching Fox News; this time you’ll at least have something to show for your trouble. You’ll have a real life baby. Plus, the child may grow up to be famous, rich, or both. The odds are better than what most 401K’s have to offer these days. Of course, the child may grow up to be a drug dealer or a Republican, but with good schooling, I’d say the odds are in your favor.
Maybe you want to change your mind because you think you will be a bad mother. These fears aren’t always ungrounded; there is much that can go wrong when raising a child. Look at Barbara, her son became President, and still. But she did her best, and so will you. First, you need to get past all the nightmare you’ve been having: you will not leave your child at the supermarket check-out, or drive away with the baby sitting in her carrier on top of your car. Those things only happen in sitcoms, in commercials, or to your neighbors, who are stupider than you. You will not forget to feed your baby (she will remind you) or drop her on her head. Babies aren’t that slippery. Most important: your baby will never, ever, let you forget that she is there. So if a lot of your worries center about forgetting to take proper care of your little one, give it a rest.
