Fun with Pregnancy: Things Pregnant Women Shouldn’t Have to Do

 

There are many chores you hate, pregnant or not, and now is the time to take advantage of your loved ones.  No man in his right mind is going to argue with this statement:

“I can’t do that, I’m pregnant.”

He would have to be insane. One of the things I enjoyed most during my pregnancies was freedom from litter box cleaning. We have two cats, so this counts as a double chore in our house. Apparently, cats can carry something vile in their feces called ‘toxoplasmosis’, especially if they are outside cats. Most cat owners have built up immunity to this over the years, but why take the risk? Of course, you will have to put up with the fact that men usually have a higher tolerance for smell and won’t change the litter box as often as they should. Especially since pregnant women often have a heightened sense of smell, this can cause problems. Turn this into an advantage by telling the prospective father that, since he has an underdeveloped sense of smell, he will be in charge of diapers once junior is born. He will respond by changing the box more often, or he will be stuck manning the diaper genie; either way you win. You might still have to make exaggerated gagging noises from time to time, but that is a small price to pay.

 

Another thing I was looking forward to when I got pregnant was not doing any more laundry. You know, heavy lifting, balancing baskets on your hip while navigating the stairs, it all sounded like too much work. Unfortunately, things didn’t go my way: I actually ended up doing more laundry, not less. This wasn’t entirely my husband’s fault; as part of the whole nesting deal I considered laundry filthy about five minutes after it hit the closet.  The love of my life couldn’t keep up with this level of nonsense, although I still made him haul the heavy baskets back and forth.

 

Other tasks that you won’t have to do include, but aren’t limited to, those things you’ve always disliked.  Hate vacuum cleaning? Despise doing the dishes? Pick you least favorite, and guilt him into doing it for you by saying: “No, no, honey…I’ll be okay.”

Use your soft and trembling voice. Practice, for god’s sake. Start your chore, stand up after a few minutes, put your left hand on your back and your right hand on your belly, and groan. If it doesn’t have the desired effect, sit on the couch and cry a little.  If you’re one of those women who claim to never cry, get with the program. You need to learn now, or it will be a long nine months. Crying is one of the best weapons out there, and frankly, I’m surprised men haven’t caught on yet.

 Other tools you have are phrases such as “The Pregnancy book says…” or “The doctor said…” which can be placed at the beginning of any sentence. Hate ironing? Try the following:

 

“The Doctor said I shouldn’t do any ironing.”

“Why not?”

“How should I know? He’s the doctor, I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about.” (sigh)

 

After this exchange, you simply walk away, or –if you’re like me and have a decent imagination, – you make up additional lies. Something like “I heard about this woman in Minnesota who had a baby that turned out to be allergic to ironing and was born without pigmentation.”

He’ll believe you; after all, he’s not pregnant himself. Whether he is a Mensa member or a garbage man, he will not argue with pseudo science during these nine months, as long as you put some effort into it.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

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